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All about me, if anyone cares
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All about me, if anyone cares |
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Elizabeth
Moderator
Member Ascendant
since 1999-06-07
Posts 6871Minnesota |
I don't even know where to start this, except for that I'm extremely upset and hurting, and I don't know what I can do. I had a wonderful best friend, Daryl, and I was deeply in love with him. He and I met at my first job, and there was nothing betweeen us at first. I was 16 (I'm now 19) and he was divorced with two kids. We only worked together for a few months, then he was transferred to another store owned by the company we worked for. I had his phone number from another co-worker, so I gave him a call, and we got to know each other fairly well. I'd had a crush on him for a few months by this time, but he had no feelings for me other than thinking I was a very nice girl who was a good friend. He has a few problems (work trouble, clinical depression, not getting along with his kids, etc.) so I did what I could to support him and help him through them. Soon after I turned 17, he said he was attracted to me as well, but we didn't do a whole lot, as I was a under 18. However, we continued to speak on the phone, and even discussed getting married. Two weeks later, he's saying he's scard of committment (which later I found out was because of the relationship between him and his ex-wife while they were married, which was very problematic to say the least). Two weeks ago, we were talking once again about getting married. He told me that I was the only woman he had been close to since his ex, and that he felt we had some sort of bond. The next time we talked, however, things were completely different. He asked me why did I keep calling him, and I told him I wasn't going to let him destry himself the way he's doing. He doesn't have a job (left the company we used to work for in a mutual agreement) and has not worked in a year and a half. He's on food stamps. He didn't see his kids on Father's Day, didn't get to talk to them, and was really depressed about that. He told me he wouldn't let himself have any feelings for me, because "it wouldn't be right," and kept bringing up the fact that I'm so much younger than he is. Then he went on to say that he has no feelings for me at all. I honestly don't know what to make of any of this. He's never going to find someone else, his age, my age, anyone because he's so unhappy with himself and his situation (at one point in our conversation, he said he didn't want to be "worth it" to anyone). He says he's "old," and while he is older than I am, I never looked at him as old. I look at people for who they are. Forties to me are not old. I do not consider my parents old. When people are middle-aged and talk about how old they're getting, it's usually less a matter of how many years they've been around than it is because they're unhappy. I think that's why he says he's so old. And now, I don't know what to do. I don't see how a person can discuss marriage one day, and then the next they have no feelings for the person they discussed it with. I don't want to see him continue on the road to destruction that he's on, but I can't live his life for him, and at this point I'm too angry and hurt to want to do much. We used to get along with each other so well-we confided in each other, could talk about nearly anything, and now we rarely do. If he doesn't want to talk to me, then I won't call him, but I don't know what he wants. I can't even try to, when he doesn't know himself. He has no other friends, and I really don't either. The only others in his life are his parents, his brother and sisters, and his kids. Like I said, I want to help him, but I can't if he doesn't want me to. I don't know what to do. |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
You've been on a rough ride, Elizabeth, and no mistake. I know this may not be what you want to hear, but his healing must come from within himself if it's ever going to last. Others, even close others, can never completely absolve the guilt, hurt, depression, pain of another...there will still be a remnant which will fester and poison his soul and heart. I'm not saying that he doesn't need help to overcome these feelings of worthlessness, but it's something that he must decide he needs. I'm sure he likes his present situation even less than you do, but he feels in a rut, and the depression drags his head down so that all he sees is the dirt around him, not the clear skies of freedom. And true, climbing out of a pit is a lot harder than falling into one, but it can be done. And it can be done with the help of a friend. Not a lover, confidant, significant other, etc...but a friend. First and foremost a friend....anything else will add pressure and complicate his mental landscape. Don't leave him to his own devices, but don't offer to help. Just be there for when he needs you, if you can. Sometimes, that and prayer are the only things you can do. Know that both of you are in my prayers. Pax Poeticus, Alicat “It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
Sounds like he's lost hope and he's just getting rid of anybody close to him to spare them the trouble of knowing him because he's a burden....that's how HE might be viewing himself as.....as some burden and since he DOES care about you he's distanced himself. God knows I've done it so many times. If yer strong enough to break his walls....go and help him. If not....and believe me it's hard.....then I guess you can't. *sigh* It's a toughy, but true love guides the way to an answer.... |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Hi..I'm going to be honest with you since I consider you a friend. I read what you wrote here and I felt no joy...no happiness...has this relationship given you any? I think there should be feelings of joy when you're in love with someone. I see this relationship as YOU being the 'mature' person (almost the parent - constantly checking on him, soothing him, making him feel wanted)...and his role? Child. It's almost like he acts this way to get a reaction out of you! I would let him know you're there for him, but I would back off. Find a new friend..date..enjoy life..you are far too young and sweet to settle....  |
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Temptress
Moderator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-06-15
Posts 7136Mobile, AL |
I agree on backing off and letting him work his own problems out. Be there for him, but go on with your life at least to the point where you still have fun. I also agree with the first and foremost friend part. |
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SpitFire Member Elite
since 2000-04-19
Posts 2396 |
~I care.  . |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hey Liz... HUGS first of all. It's odd - I can relate to most every part of your relationship...but only if you separate out the various circumstances. You know about my own current relationship with an older man, no need to expound there - suffice to say any problems you're having are NOT age related. You are right I think in what you say about age... I was with someone once who told me he loved me one day, then needed time - then cut if off..repeated the process...blah blah. It sucked quite frankly. So, that said - I agree wholeheartedly with what Sharon said...wholeheartedly. Back off. Let HIM come to you and PROVE himself...but first - before you give him the chance to do so, ask yourself - how much happiness did this bring you? Many thoughts...many understandings...  K |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
Hmmmm.. Let me see... That man you are talking about sounds a lot like I was most of my life. Pushing people away that get too close and keeping everyone else at arms length. I say leave him to his own devices. I say back off and let him know that there is nothing that he can do to lose your friendship. It may not make an immediate difference but trust me when I say it will make a world of difference. You already know that his devices are flawed but he needs to discover it on his own. The truth will make itself know and love outlasts all. I wish you the best. The White Wolf If life is just a game, when does it end cause I want to get to what is real. |
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Nan
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-20
Posts 21191Cape Cod Massachusetts USA |
Elizabeth - You're a smart girl... You realize that you can't live another's life for them. You have to be responsible for yourself, and give support to your friends as best you can. They, however, have to resolve their own issues, and your friend seems to have his share. Just be supportive... and don't expect more from him than his own personal capabilities - That's what invariably muddles relationships. We can't expect others to live by our own personal repertoire of values... Be well - and take care of yourself, my friend.. Your life will fall into place as it should... |
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Skyfyre Senior Member
since 1999-08-15
Posts 1906Sitting in Michael's Lap |
Elizabeth, dear, have a seat if you're not already sitting down because you're probably not going to like what I have to say ... No matter how hard you try or how desperately you love someone, you will never, ever succeed in changing even the slightest detail in them. If someone is to make a change in their lives, it must be done with a conscious, personal decision which is made without any outside urging, else more often than not it is doomed to failure. This is why a good counselor allows his patient to talk and often resolve his own problems, interjecting only to guide the monolgue one way or the other rather than "telling" the person what needs to be done. The smartest shrink in the world will be powerless if his client does not wish to make a change ... It sounds to me like the man you describe here has a good deal more issues than any one woman should have to tolerate in a relationship. He is unhappy with himself and the way his life has turned out, and you are serving only as his crying shoulder and/or punching bag when he decides to act out ... which, while it may provide him temporary relief, is nevertheless very unhealthy for you. The fact that a man his age (yes, age DOES matter here -- he's old enough to know better) has allowed this damaging behavior to continue unchecked shows, in my opinion, a lack of regard for your well-being which does not bode well for your future happiness together. In short, this man is a tangled mass of issues that you should not feel compelled to unravel. He needs to take responsibility for his own happiness. If you love him, cheer his progress from the sidelines, but don't become directly involved lest you get caught up in a web which is not of your own making. Caution is the word ... invest no portion of your heart in this man in his current state ... Just my opinion ... best of luck. Linda |
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