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A heavy heart filled with confusion...
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A heavy heart filled with confusion... |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
I love my life. When it come to love my understanding is limited. Some of you have heard parts of this story on here but I have had some things happen to me since then. So bear with me as I start from the begining. It all started my freshman year of highschool about ten-and-a-half years ago. My church had been going through financial difficulties for a couple of years. Well that year a group from another church with similar beliefs joined the church. There was a complete structual and staffing overhaul. I really didn't care. I was doing my usual thing of observing all that was going on around me talking to very few people and mostly sitting by myself. I know that it was a Wednesday night service for the high school group. Anyway that night as I was sitting alone minding my own business I got a tickle in the back of my mind. You know the kind that tells you to pay attention because something important is about to happen. I then got this urge to look at the door because someone was comming. Who knows how I knew that, so I had to look. As I looked up "she" came through the door. I can't remember if our eyes met or not but when I saw her, it felt like a tiny electric charge in my heart and spred throughout my entire body. I can still remember that feeling. Through the next few week I actually wanted to got to church just for the chance to see her again. I didn't actually meet her for acouple of weeks atleast. I believe I was put into a study group with her and that is how we met. If I remember right we hit it off like we had know each other before. We would take endlessly. I don't know what about but we did talk and talk. She became my only best friend until my junior year when I met my other best friends. We were friends for about six-and-a-half years before I got my opprotunity to date her. There is fire in her touch and a sweetness in her voice that only a fertility goddess of Greece could have. When we started dating we set up some rules because above all we wanted to remain friends. Well after two of the best months of my life we started to cross one of those lines. It was just a little infraction but I knew from a previous relationship that it only gets worse from there. I should have talked to her about it but I couldn't. She was starting to have some emotional problems, I think she was concerned about one of her family members. There was my excuse and I used it. I told her that I could help her better as a friend than I could as a boyfriend, which wasn't true but hey it kept us from breaking more rules, right? The coward's way out. For that one I should be put into the lame hall of fame. But atlas I believe that the break needed to happen, as I look back on it. I spent the next year or so trying to get over her. I found that the less I had contact with her the less I though about her. But when I did have contact with her, all my emotions would flare up again. I have tried to get over her through every possible means cept hypnosis. I don't want to forget about her. She is my best friend. So it has been two years or so that I have been thinking that I was over her. Well my one of my other best friends got married. Well he is also a friend of her's so naturally she was invited too. I didn't expect that my heart would get that little jolt again but I swear it did and skipped a beat when I saw her. She has told me, what two or so years ago now, that she thinks of me as a brother and our relationship will never go to the girlfriend/boyfriend thing again. I believe her but it still doesn't stop that jolt of my heart. I want to know what is wrong with me. Maybe I shound consult WebMD.com or something.  I am now back to square one cept that this time that email where she told me these things isn't doing anything for me this time. In simple terms I just don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I should just tell her one little detail I have left out for fear of being laughed at or appearing to be obsessive. I just don't know. I never want to lose her friendship but can I survive for the rest of my life like this.One last thing before I end this book. If I really wanted her back I could have her back. I already know what I would have to say and do to get her back, but those things I just simply won't do. I have never liked, in fact I hate, manipulating people or seeing it happen. Which is why I am not a salesman. I could sell anything to anybody but I refuse to take advantage of people that way. Anyway I better go for now before I do something really rash and write an email without thinking it through. I've done it before and made an ass(named Jack) out of myself. The White Wolf PS Most poems I have post on here under this name and under the one that I no longer use are from her inspiring me, but I will never tell her that. |
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| © Copyright 2001 Justin D. Schroeder - All Rights Reserved | |||
catalinamoon
since 2000-06-03
Posts 9543The Shores of Alone |
Well, now that I have read your story, I can understand even more. What can I say. If someone is in your heart so much, maybe it should be ok to tell her. Not in a way to take advantage, just to share, maybe that you regret the way things ended before and would like to try again. She may be just holding her breath waiting to hear those words. (note I am identifying with the woman here )I have that email problem too, I try to just reach out once in a while to stay in touch, keep things all light and happy and completely FAKE, since that is not what I want to say. But I don't want to lose the little tiny piece of him I have. Then about once a month I get a little out of control and tell him I miss him. Sigh...This is so hard, isn't it. All I can say is she probably has some feeling for you as well, she is not involved with anyone else right now? If not, take your chance now, before it gets even more too late, and she gets married..That's really horrible. Peace. And good luck. Sandra |
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inot2B Member Elite
since 2000-09-18
Posts 2205Arkansas |
Tell her how you feel. Don't manipulate her, just in plain simple words let her know whats in your heart. Then be prepared to accept what may come. I met my husband at church while in high school. We were friends, then went steady, (do kids still go steady?) and broke up several times. Yet we remained friends through it all. When he realized that I was the one for him, he told me and ask for my hand in marriage. I'd hate to think if he didn't tell me that he loved me. Don't wait to tell her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
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Nicole Senior Member
since 1999-06-23
Posts 1835Florida |
I think a great deal of people can relate to your feelings - I know I have. Honestly, it's a terrible terrible feeling..I know you know that, I also know there isn't a word that I could say that would help. But - I do know, from experience, that just being able to relate to someone can help. I can relate. My email is open to you, if you need to talk. Take care. |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
I have already told her several times already in a couple of different ways. But she doesn't know about the heart thing. I don't want to complicate the friendship I already have. Well I only got about four hours of sleep last night...sigh... I have decided that I will tell her and most of how it needs to be said. I just hope that my feelings, that are chaos in and of themselves, don't cause any confusion in what I want to tell her. With that said I best get to writing or I will just put it off for another day that will never come. Thank you all for you input. Here goes nothing... The White Wolf |
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Lone Wolf Member Ascendant
since 2000-03-16
Posts 5842Lansing, MI USA |
Best of luck to you, White Wolf. I hope she understands it all. All writing comes |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
Lone Wolf- I don't think it really matters if she understands it all or any of it for that fact. I did write her an email telling her about this feeling but I also told her that I don't know what it means and to be honest I don't have the slightest idea. But I have come to a realization and that is that the meaning of that feeling is really nothing. Not that it means nothing just that I shouldn't be overly concerned with it. I need to persue or keep up with the friendship I do have and at the same time be my self completely. I need to just let things happen and stop trying to put meaning to or over analysing some things so much. If we end up dating again, which I think is a high possibility, then so be it and if we don't, well hey, I do have a friend. A friend that is the best of the best friends I have. But who knows? Some would say to let fate decide and others would say to leave it in God's hands. The thing I do know is that at this time my life is the best it has ever been and I am not going to repeat my past mistakes, which are many and a lot more than that. My life is just coming together. I am finally becoming who I am and not what my walls and fears made me out to be. Life is like the theater, you keep practicing until you get it right. Well I had better go for now and I do thank you for your response. The White Wolf |
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monique Member
since 2000-02-03
Posts 369Louisiana |
I was passing by and i cannot resist saying nothing i have a relation-fullload-ship kind of like that where i did see an hypnotist to stop thinking about the person it worked for one week i feel that those kind of relationship are just a tease from hell she did told you she sees you as a brother and she means it i know it is hard to let go i am going through the same fire and i am tired of burning those kind of relationship are bad to the bone nothing good comes out of it but just plain old pain pain pain monique |
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your_babydoll Junior Member
since 2000-10-12
Posts 13ohio |
risking your sanity for the woman that you love.. scary stuff hehee i hope you end up happy though. thats really all that matters. i know the pain of loving someone you arent with..or whatever. im my case, loving someone who couldnt care less. or at least acts like it...good luck |
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Blaec Member
since 2001-04-23
Posts 130The Sunshine State |
I was in a relationship just like this. I waited until it was too late to tell him how I felt about him. Now I've lost our friendship and our love. The best time to get it out there is now. You say what you feel in your heart and then cross your fingers and hope for the best. Good Luck! Kris |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
And I thought I was the only crazy one. I'm halfway through what you've been through. I want him back though. He completes me. He's my other half. I have to talk to him. I know that now. Thanks.  Someone once taught me that it doesn't matter what other people think of you as long as you like yourself. That's what I live by. |
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White Wolf Member
since 1999-09-18
Posts 371Somewhere in the vast wasteland |
Hey you know that craziness just loves company. I have another post in here somewhere dealing with developments on this subject even though they are pretty old now but not as old as this post. I wish you the best. The White Wolf If life is just a game, when does it end cause I want to get to what is real. |
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