Life and Me - pipTalk Forums

How to Join	Member's Area	Private Library	Search	Sanctuary		Login
Main Forums	Discussion	Tech Talk	Mature Content	Archives	A home without a wall, Our haven without ends, A circle we all call Our Family of Friends!

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

0 posted 2005-12-13 10:59 AM

I guess I am not sure if I could appropriatly express my fealings.  I wish he would dissapear.  I swear I have fealings for him, but every time I get enough over him, he comes back.  I am already weak in my heart from severall things, but this is what really gets me.  I keep falling for him again each time.  It is to say stupid and I hate my self for it.  Yesturday  in class I saw he had some hichkies and have to say I was some what relieved.   I at first thought I was free, but now I realized it is really relief from the guilt.   Maybe he has some one else to worry about.

I hope that he forgets about me.  It sounds wierd, but
it is the first time in my life were I want to not exist in his memories for my own sanity.  I have so much I want to do in my life, and I just am glad that I may be finally getting over him.  You see It is the enormous guilt I feel for what I put him through that kills me.  It is getting better, but I still see him every day.  everytime I am remeinded what I did.   I just hope he understands one day that it was all me and not him.  It is kind of because of him that I still won't get in to a relationship, because I am afraid that I am still haunted by demons that dwell in my heart.  I am afraid that some one will have to go through what he did.

So I end up pushing guys away... Because I am deathly afraid that I will be hurt or abused.  I gues that I am human, but The more I heal from my past the more it seems to get me. I gues what happened was that he came like a knight in shinning armor only to find I was a wee bit over his head.

I have to go to class now,
I will continue perhapps tomarrow.

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2005-12-13 02:30 PM

And continuing...

IN the end I feal like I DON'T KNOW WHAT i WANT IN LIFE. I am confused and troubled. My insecurities cripple me and I feal like the world is a beach ball in my head.

I think in the end I just want to know that every thing will be ok. but there is little confort in my life.

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

Alicat
Member Elite

since 1999-05-23

Posts 4094
Coastal Texas

2 posted 2005-12-13 02:37 PM

And you're still relatively young. Have some patience with yourself and learn how to forgive yourself. Want a good way to surmount insecurities? On/off-campus poetry readings, and wearing goofy clothing. Worked for me with my 'Ugly Suits' and 'No-Comb Week' back in college...that was before I went bald to see what it'd be like and dressed in Gregorian monks robes blessing people. Being at a Christian university, it was odd that there were some who were not amused.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

3 posted 2005-12-13 05:56 PM

Unfortunately, everything you said above never really goes away.  The fact that you even realize you dont "agree" with everything going on in your life makes you more intuitive of your own being than you realize.

You can only change that.  Within yourself.

And you will.

And Ali?  I would have loved to have gone to college with you.  That made me smile.

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

4 posted 2005-12-13 11:42 PM

I am starting to feel better. I had a good cry after my night class.

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant

since 2004-10-12

Posts 6688
Waukegan

5 posted 2005-12-15 09:18 PM

Juju,

My best friend who is a few months younger than I
is going blind. There’s no medical question as to whether
he’ll be worst off soon, just whether he be able to see anything
or nothing. It might be good to keep in mind your good fortunes.
Perhaps others should post a few more examples of what others
have to bear to give you perspective.

John

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

6 posted 2005-12-17 04:28 PM

yes I know. I will send prayers to your friend.

-Juju

Juju - 1.) a magic charm or fetish 2.)Magic 3.)A taboo connected woth the use of magic

The dictionary never lies.... I am magical (;

	⇧ top of page ⇧
All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format.