»
Discussion
»
Feelings
»
On the road to recovery?
| Feelings |
|
On the road to recovery? |
|
Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow 
|
I have escaped the cruel grasp of my now ex-boyfriend, but it happened under bad circumstances. I know now, unlike when I was younger and in past relationships, where the line is and when it is crossed. The father of my child and I had a wild fight yesterday morning, and I came to the conclusion that I really should have left a long time coming. When neither of us can control ourselves, it becomes painfully obvious. I have gone through a whole spectrum of emotions in the past day/night. I cannot sleep for several reasons, one being that I am back home again, and I haven't slept here in a long time.. it's hard because it's hot outside and I have to take care of my daughter all by my lonesome today and I'm exhausted..mentally and physically. Unfortunately, as much as I did not want to leave where I'd become comfortable, I made the wise choice to act on emergency. My mother drove 3 hours to pick me up and bring me here. I feel very concerned with what my next steps will/should be. I feel like I have been leading a double life. I am starting to understand why I felt so much confusion and stress... One part of me was at home all day, loving on and playing with my daughter. But when she went to bed for the night, I would leave the confines of my ex's parents house and go over to my friends house to drink and have fun. I am too old, or too young..I can't decide which.. but as a mother, I should've known better than to do anything like that on a regular basis. Maybe a big part of me was trying to catch up on lost time, or time I felt I'd never have otherwise. All I know is that despite my other life, I still came forward and owned up to my responsibilities. That's not a valid excuse, though. On monday I am scheduled to see a therapist, and to determine whether or not I have developed a dependancy to alcohol. I am deeply ashamed at myself for digging this grave, but it is my duty as a mother to make sure I am perfectly ready to do what I must do instead of what I want or feel like I need to do. I feel somewhat proud in my logical decision even though all the decisions around it were illogical. I know that I love my daughter more than anything in this world and now that I have come home, I can be sure not to do anything horrible like before. I feel a vast amount of guilt and sadness for my actions, but I have no clue how else to deal with this other than to talk about it. I hope all goes well... |
||
| © Copyright 2005 Meghan Armitage - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
You've taken a big step toward the rest of your life, Meghan. And your new wisdom looks good on you.  |
||
|
LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
you've left me smiling here with a wonderful uge to come hug you...I'm very happy you've come where you are Megs...your giving your daughter the most precious gift a mother could bestow...the best part of you.... together you have hords to teach each other...and you've given us here, a place to say...Bravo!!!! |
||
|
ctowen Member Elite
since 2001-10-18
Posts 2286Green Mountains of VT |
the saying "all good things come to an end" comes to mind, all great ones are forever comes to heart ..... everything in life can be reached depending on the steps we take. your steps thus far are safe and sound. CT |
||
|
Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
As I myself have learned recently, there can be no real recovery until you can honestly forgive yourself and let go of the pain, sorrow and guilt. That's not to say hide or bury the memories. Learn from them and remember the consequences. Don't dwell, just mark them and know they will be worse if you return to the originating behavior. And above all, take Life a day at a time. |
||
|
Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
"The father of my child and I had a wild fight yesterday morning, and I came to the conclusion that I really should have left a long time coming. When neither of us can control ourselves, it becomes painfully obvious." I remember having many of those and one day i just left. It wasn't worth it. Meg- I read this and cried with such joy that you are making these decisions for not only you, but for your daughter as well. Ali is SOOOOO right! What he stated is probably the hardest thing I learned out of this and it worked. good luck to you |
||
|
Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Meg~ You know my email.....if at anytime you need to talk, drop me an email with your number and I will call! I promise. Heck, Leah will chat your ear off about baby stuff!!  "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
