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Love.....
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Love..... |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow 
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This is a long story that I have hardly any time to tell... My boyfriend and I have been together for almost two years now..most of that time was spent with me pregnant, then having a child. As with a lot of relationships, things go sour, even with children involved. When my boyfriend and I first met, he introduced me to one of his friends, which I had an instant attraction to. Not for his looks, just for him as he is. At that point I didn't think of my boyfriend as anything but someone I was dating, and kept considering his friend as someone I'd prefer to be with long term. As I began to put these thoughts into some sort of plan, I found out I was pregnant, and that changed everything. I had to take my otherwise strong feelings and put them aside, so I controlled them and stuffed them away somewhere. After a month or so into my pregnancy, my boyfriend began to show his true colors. At first I thought he was just nervous, but he's been this way up until now..Arrogant, insulting, lazy, controlling. He often times makes fun of me in front of his friends, he sleeps in a seperate bed and tells me he thinks feelings and love are infantile. He doesn't believe in anniversaries or holidays, so there is no romance or pleasant suprises to look forward to. He wants me to work while he goes to school, juggle Freyja and work...I just can't seem to think that there's anything fantastic about him like I did when he was pretending. He gets worse and worse every day. That caused me to begin feeling love for his friend again...but this time it doesn't seem like I can control it even if I want to.. I can't sleep, or eat..I can't stop thinking about it. I love him, I have felt for him for almost 2 years and I just want to tell him...but I know he's my boyfriend's friend, and he'd never feel for me even if he wanted to...he's a good friend to my boyfriend, even though my boyfriend is a crappy friend to him.. I don't know if I should just tell him anyway or not..I just don't know what to do..I feel like this is all so childish of me.. I don't know what to do! |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Your feelings for the "friend" notwithstanding, the fella you are with now seems to be but a child, himself. And unwilling to grow up Rather than a mate/woman/wife/partner, the lad wants a mommy. Someone to bear the burden. But, its the disrespect that should concern you even more. I would bet he treats his "real" mother much the same. Just things as I see it, and lord knows I'm no expert on "relationships" But, like most things, if there is pain without gain, the exercise is pointless, merely hurtful. All the best Meg! In your life, you and Freya come FIRST! |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I tried so hard to keep my fingers shut!  As I told another friend not too long ago, I run my life on this premise Meg, "I start where I want to finish." I have had bad marriage(s) myself so lord knows I am no authority either but I learned a lot from them. I do know one thing for sure, that now if it doesn't feel good for me, I won't do it period. YOU and Freya do come first, and your happiness will surely mold part of who she eventually becomes, and that is a fact of the responsibility you now have. Our children live what they see at home and were taught and are so intuitive to our feelings. Remember how it felt to put your feelings on hold when you were having the baby, and then think about this one thing - you could have a lifetime living like that with a control freak. Trust me when I tell you that really sucks! Being what another person wants you to be, is not being true to yourself, or anyone else for that matter, and living a lie is a horrible way to live for anyone. I think the first step is to find out if this person feels the same way about you, and your daughter? I know you feel really at the bottom of the totem pole, living in the environment you do with his family, but hopefully it is only temporary? Do you think this could this be causing some problems in both of you and how you feel? He has told you who he is Meg, now it is up to you to figure if you want to wake up beside him for the rest of your life "as he is" for they never change from what they show and tell you they are, and that goes for women too.  I wish you all the best in whatever you do, and you are NOT childish feeling the way you do, love makes us child-like and wonderfully giddy. Love is a wonderful thing! |
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Greeneyes
since 2000-09-09
Posts 9903In Your Poetic Mind |
I think the first step is to find out if this person feels the same way about you, and your daughter? ____________ that is sound advice.... secondly it does not seem your boyfriend has any concern for you, even though he may be the babies father, do you want to subject freyja to a relationship or a lifetime where love is not expressed? cut your loss Meg, you can't change him....you and Freyja are WORTH more then that! Ed is right in your life, you and the baby must come first ALWYAYS! follow your heart heart hugssss in understanding and good luck.... In your light I learn how to love In your beauty how to make poems You dance inside my chest where no one sees you and that sight becomes this art |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
"cut your loss Meg"... Sound and sounder advice. |
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Janet Marie Member Laureate
since 2000-01-22
Posts 18554 |
you already have a child to raise...you dont need to be babysitting her daddy too... he needs a reality check...hes a father now...like it or not hes legally bound to provide for her, even if you two arent a couple anymore... as a single mother, there are many resources available to you..agencies that will help you, use them, secure whatever future assistance you can for her and move forward, dont settle for someone who is this selfish and immature. Maybe in time he will realize the gift he has in her and want to do better...until then...you have every reason to provide security for her and build a happy future for you both. |
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sandgrain Member Elite
since 1999-09-21
Posts 3662Sycamore, IL, USA |
My daughter married, had a son, suffered beatings, abandonment, etc. Left him, got back together after apologies and promises, had a 2nd son, beatings, poverty, etc. Left him. Got back together assured he'd make real changes and efforts. He got a job, drank up the paychecks and beat her while she was expecting their 3rd, a beautiful little girl. She came home to live with us again, back with him, another pregnancy and beatings. Moved in with us again, had a beautiful baby girl. He lived with his sister until she put him out. Enlisting his teen nephew, his sister's house was burned. Ex-son-in-law is serving his prison term and our daughter's had and is still having a real time of it, as she's had not one nickle from him for support ever. She's not the only one this type thing has happened to. THINK, long and hard very soon. (((((Hugs))))) Rae |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: Let's hope Freyja received most of her gene pool from YOU...and that she will realize just how smart her mother was when she realizes the sacrifices you made by leaving, and getting on with your lives...  |
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ctowen Member Elite
since 2001-10-18
Posts 2286Green Mountains of VT |
I am not talking about personal experiences .... but for what I have seen as a whole .... .... follow your heart .... softly, so as not to miss a step swiftly inorder to make a good decision before a bad one is made for you. I have watched couples of many ages, from beginning to ends, and beyond .... those that find true happiness say it was in their hearts those that find themselves unhappy .... wish upon their hearts .... be sure of your heart, it will do right by you! CT |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Oh, one little thing - it is only fear that keeps us from moving forward, that I also know from experience. Once I took the first step, wow the second and third were a piece of cake. Meg, there are so many resources in place to help single moms now, so don't ever think you are in the only space you can be in, deserve to be in, or trapped in, you do have choices honest! It's making one that is hard. Now how's about a picture of that sweet little girl? I haven't seen her in a while and I bet she is growing like a weed. True fact, her future truly being molded by you right now, and in your hands, which sound capable to me. |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Oh! The title of the thread is "Love" About that... Finding love is a minor miracle in itself. A thing, not for the lazy, the arrogant or the self-indulgent. Keeping it is an avocation, a labor to be enjoyed. So? you'd do well to move on. Perhaps finding someone to enjoy. BTW, there's nothing like having to pony up monthly child support to put an end to laziness. Again, all the best Meg. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
the both of you deserve way better than that and I feel like kicking his *** for treating you guys that way. trust me, I know - ask them up there . . . Meg, you must do what you believe in and what is best for you and your child. That is all. |
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Local Rebel Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-21
Posts 5767Southern Abstentia |
I think it's paramount that you separate the issues of what you're going to do re; boyfriend and potential boyfriend... they are decisions that are independent from one another. Please treat them that way .. you'll come out better in the end. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
Meg? The only thing I want to add is this.. Clean up the business with your current boyfriend FIRST. You need to take care of that and take care of you and the baby, first. Once you are settled and doing things on your own...then you should address the issue of his friend if your feelings are still the same.  much love. "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
But, its the disrespect that should concern you even more. I would bet he treats his "real" mother much the same. __________________________________________ I cannot tell you the instant affection I feel for Wranx's comment, it's refreshing to see a man understands, without getting defensive of men...as there are some very confident and wonderful men out there, who are not looking for a mommie/wife...just to take care of them. All of the above are very inspirational to your need at the moment, and I believe you already answered your own questions...you already knew...hugs adding...unconditional love, doesn't mean a love of disrespect and immaturity must be accepted... adding only this If I may, I suggest, you try talking to the one your with, before going else where, and if and when you know in your heart, you've concentrated all your efforts and there is no change in site, then you will both have to sit down and have a heart to heart. In the meantime...don't move on your emotions for the other fella...not now, not fair to he or you or the one your with, if you do, I'm afraid there will be no future worth working for...and it could stagnate all of you, your growths. Your a wise young lady and I'm so honored to know one as yourself. Hugs and good luck... Lee J. |
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Marilyn Member Elite
since 1999-09-26
Posts 2621Ontario, Canada |
I spent 10 years in a abusive marriage. The kids suffer more then you do. I would look at aother relationship secordary to getting yourself and your daughter out of the one your in. If this other guy is as good as you think he is, he will know what his best friend is like and respect you for finally sticking up for yourself. Marilyn. |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
Thank you all for your kind words. I understand now what should be done.. There are a lot of things more important than my love for another man. I have a beautiful daughter that I intend to put before anything else. This other man loves her, by the by. I know that it is not a priority for me to jump into a love situation right now, and it is hard because emotions are very powerful things.. but so are intelligent decisions. |
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Lady In White
since 2001-02-12
Posts 2799USA |
Meghan, this last post of yours...speaks growth. Go, and thrive! |
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JesusChristPose Senior Member
since 2005-06-21
Posts 777Pittsburgh, Pa |
"Please remedy my confusion..." Well... Pull me down again! ~ Not too many people that I come across, in fact none whom I meet in person, quote Mikael from Opeth... ... just had to comment on that. Good luck to you! "I have gone away. The bed is cold and empty. Trees bend their boughs toward the earth. And nighttime birds float as black faces." |
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timothysangel1973
since 2001-12-03
Posts 1725Never close enough |
Meg I have had my share of bad relationships and a bad marriage. It takes a lot to kill a persons love, and trust me sometimes we hang on for reasons that only WE can understand. Sometimes what we see in the beginning is NOTHING compared to what we get when everything is said and done. Responsibility is a really BIG thing. Having a child will (and should) teach you that, yet there are alot of people that never catch on. It's sad that your boyfriend can't look at you and that baby and want nothing more but the best for you. I know what you're going through because I was there myself for almost 10 years. Hell, my anniversary was ON Valentines day and he forgot it. If that ain't pathetic I dont know what is lol Now... well, divorce must've taught him something cause he takes his Fiance on vacations, nice dinners, shopping sprees and all kinds of other stuff. It used to make me really mad that he wasn't there for me and my two children, but one day it just didn't matter to me anymore that she was getting what I never did. That is when I looked at my life and what I DID have as opposed to what he didn't give me and there they were... Two innocent children that needed their mommy no matter what. I beleive that as a mother you decide to put your happiness on hold until that child can survive in this world without constant care or assistance from you. I have learned how to look at all the crappy minutes in my life when I wanna run away and be free and single and kidless... and take them for what they are - BLESSINGS that I could have very well been cheated out of. It's hard to love someone and keep it too yourself, and even harder to be with someone and not be able to LOVE yourself, or that person. But... no matter what, that little one needs you and she needs you as a whole person. As long as you feel the way you do then you are not giving her all of you and thats not fair to her. She knows nothing of the complications of this life yet, and all she sees is mommy and daddy and doesn't realize all the in betweens. Never stay with a person UNLESS you love them and they love you back. The night before I got married I got really scared because I was 18 and still a kid myself with a little person growing under my heart. I was crying and ready to back out and someone said to me "that baby needs a father." Ten years later, carrying two kids on my hip and a heart full of broken dreams I realized that they could have had a father without me sentencing myself to 10 years in prison with an abusive man. That was bad advice - and I was dumb enough to take it. I believe that children see you just as clearly when you are unhappy as they do when you are full of joy. Mine lived in hell with me and we all hurt together. So, in the end, you choose what is best for her, but only YOU know what this person (the boyfriend) is really like. Don't choose to stay or leave because someone else says its the right thing to do. DO what is in your heart... and be okay with your choice when you lay your head down at night. Hugs and best wishes Tima The Captive Heart www.imaginedezines.com/poetry |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
Hehe, everyone in this thread is SO much stronger than me. We have so many strong ladies here, and I'm proud to know you all. Listen to them, dear. You know what you have to do. I know it'll hurt like hell... but we're here for you too. Please take care. Love's a lovely lad |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
Timo, your advice speaks volumes, you have no idea... Thank you. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
you already knew what to do anyhow, silly. Your a mommy . . . *grin* |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
Meg, You're one of the people on here whose posts and udates i look forward to. The words you use in your poetry in particular have always had such depth, emotionally, that it makes me feel weird inside that i imagine you being with someone who thinks love and feelings are stupid. Who can't show them. If he feels/behaves like this towards you, he may, i'm not saying will, carry this on to the rest of his family members. I know this well, my dad is the coldest most emotionless man you could ever meet, to every member of his family. He disregards emotion, affection and respect for his wife, and just as much to me. He may well be a good father to Freyja, and i hope he always will be, we don't know what goes on beyond what you've written, but he's not giving YOU anything near to what you need, let alone want. It makes me want to die inside for you, because it seems i know the kind of man you're dealing with, down to every last detail you've described. (as i'm sure many people here also do.) Even the fact that he sleeps in a seperate bed just says it all. Emotionally inept. You could probably cry and scream in his face and he'd say nothing. I have no shame in saying to you, don't put yourself through years of this, like my mother regrets so much now, infact, she's still there with him, desperate to be loved and touched, respected, to feel some kind of warmth. simple things, but impossible for people like them. They never seem to thaw out. no matter how long you wait. Freyja is gorgeous meg, love the new pictures! And so are you. You both deserve to be shown love, in the simplest of ways. I hope that one day, however long it may be, that you make moves towards anything other than this limbo. Judging from your replies, its something you're considering. And this bloke? Tell him one day. but after. keep us posted meg, we care about you.  |
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gemjop Member Elite
since 2002-11-18
Posts 2587Pencilveinia, USA |
And! haha.... an incentive for you....so as not to disregard the intense feelings you spoke about up at the top.... The sooner you sort out this relationship, the sooner you can possibly spill the feelings you have for this other man like you sound like you're dying to! haha! good luck (?) I don't know as i believe in that,scrap that, good ...? Good incentives! hurrah! x |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I have to comment on Tima's post only because every single bit of it rings true. (Thanks, Tima - I kinda needed that myself) Sooo true about your child seeing and experiencing your pain, they are MOST susceptible no matter how hard you try to hide it. And Tima? Take pride in the fact that the next woman is treated nicely, yes, I know, I am in the same boat BUT - I look at it this way - look what the presence of a good woman does - I mean, at least he has learned from the pain (sounds messed up, but I believe you know what I mean) even though I get mad and shake my head - I at least think to myself that being with me had taught him the right lessons he needed to learn, as well as the ones I learned myself. In the end, if I had not left, my son would be seriously damaged today, not kidding. And it was hard, so very very difficult but now? I am proud of that struggle since. Made me a stronger woman who will never ever take any nonsense ever again. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
I've come back to read this again, and have been brought to elevated heights at the wealth of care within these comments, not to mention wisdom... Tina's comment was full of one of experience, adding... Meg, just if you walk away, walk away with dignity, your head held high, you always must remember, to serve as an example to your child...you have a responsibility now...to not make yourself a victim, but in the same, do not act out of impulse...or need or desire, except to do what is right by everyone concerned. with hope and prayers for all of you. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I have to admit, I am really wondering what you are doing about this Meg? but in a caring way. |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
All the wrong things... figures... |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Well the great thing about making mistakes is we learn from them right? Wishing you well and also wishing you love. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
agreeing with Sharon. Mistakes are (sometimes) good things. It's how you learn. The best teacher in life. |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Hey you. First, have a hug. And nope, I haven't been ignoring you--I have been ignoring my own version of this problem. Without getting into my entire personal history, I'll just ask you to trust that I know and understand. That said, I will say you have already gotten the best out of him that you will prolly ever see, and please also know that such a situation seldom evolves into something better. Take the baby and run. You can do it on your own. In fact, you already are. Maya Angelou said something (yeah, yeah, I heard this from my buddy OPRAH too  )wise words I'd like to share and that is this:We teach people how to treat us by showing them what we will accept. The longer you wait, the more complicated it gets. (Please don't grow up to be me, sweetie.) Love you megs  for Freyja |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
May I ditto our serenity? Too many friends here, Meghan, have been in your shoes, or know someone who has. A lot of experience has been poured out. Sometimes, we just have to go with our gut. Would you want Freyja to have someone like him? |
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wranx Member Elite
since 2002-06-07
Posts 3689Moved from a shack to a barn |
Its merely inertia, Meghan (yeah, I know...easy for me to say...But I DO understand) A body at rest, tends to stay at rest A body in motion tends to keep on movin' So very hard to start moving, though...But? once started, you're certain to go in a direction that'll be....kinder to you and Freyja. Still wishing you and yours all the best |
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Kaoru
since 2003-06-07
Posts 3892where the wild flowers grow |
I've worked out some of the more major kinks, now for the rest. I got on a list for section 8 housing and now I'm going to a job education program so I can get one. I am making some strides for independence and hopefully they will work out. Matters of the heart have gotten me very down, though. I'm too stubborn and can't deal at all with rejection. I feel very vulnerable and lonely. I cry all the time now and rarely want to eat. I figure maybe I need a therapist to help me deal with my inability to move on. I'm weak in that area. It doesn't help that this guy gave me a false sense of love. He may or may not have lied and cheated me, but I wore my heart on my sleeve, and what guy wouldn't take advantage of that. I know that the only way I can deal is by opening up my communication lines with him and spilling my guts. Afterall, if he is not going to be a lover to me, he can be an awesome friend who is there to listen anytime I need him to. I'm not used to feeling so much like a girl, I guess. I suppose writer's block doesn't help, that's how I always dealt with it, but now it's the real deal. Talking is something girls have to do in order to get over things, isn't it? I think it might help... I really appreciate all the sound advice given to me here. It helps me to know that I've got a backbone in all of you. I love you all even when I feel as if my heart is a mangled mess.. |
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Cloud 9 Senior Member
since 2004-11-05
Posts 980Ca |
Serenity is so right.... I waited too long. And, yes, I was weak as well. I was very very scared of doing it on my own. But no matter what I could keep putting the kids in the middle. But then one day I just told him to move out and was able to get on a few programs just to help for a short time. Its been almost a year and I am still doing it on my own without any of his help. Keep busy and focus on your daughter. "In the end, if I had not left, my son would be seriously damaged today, not kidding. And it was hard, so very very difficult but now? I am proud of that struggle since. Made me a stronger woman who will never ever take any nonsense ever again. " Very true...me too. |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
megs, your one hell of a gal, there is no denying that...everyone here is so right on the money, and it won't help you to say, I know exactly where you are, cuz each relationship is different, but honey, Kari said a mouthful about your daughter...you must snap out of it and be strong for her, read what people here have said over and over, and know or address the fact that if you haven't known kindness and mature understanding love in your life, you will compromise and take what you can get in the form of any attention, which is what these type of guys thrive on. Darlin, I say this from experience...if you accept so little in your life for a companion, your little girl will follow suit...I know b/c I followed in my mother's shoes. It was all I knew. May peace guide you with strong arms...and you will make mistakes, but you have the power to change things and make them right...YOU are you own best friend, and I promise you...you'll be fine if you do right by yourself and your daughter...and not allow the weakness of desire or self destruction to tug on your arm. I wish you all the best...you've got the best gift that any woman can have right there in front of you...your daughter Hugs and my deepest thoughts. Please let us know from time to time how your doing...and cheer up, cuz your a dynamite woman! And woman have the strength to accomplish anything they put they're minds down to...if we want it bad enough, believe me. Just look at all your sisters here and they're great care...friends like this are the greatest commodity in life... Hugs |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Meg?  Check your email. |
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JesusChristPose Senior Member
since 2005-06-21
Posts 777Pittsburgh, Pa |
"Please remedy my confusion And thrust me back to the day The silence of your seclusion Brings night into all you say Pull me down again And guide me into pain" ~ I thought for sure you would comment on this... Not too many people can appreciate Mikael's lyrics and music. "I have gone away. The bed is cold and empty. Trees bend their boughs toward the earth. And nighttime birds float as black faces." |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
I am so proud of you. I was 33? before I realized a lot of what you already know. Just remember this: you will NEVER be alone. Once you gave birth, you gained an angel for life. THAT will keep you going. Trust me. It sucks, its hard, but it is so worth it. |
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