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Teen Poetry #6
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Butterfly Master
| Teen Poetry #6 |
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Butterfly Master |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
She is the torrential downpour On your picnic set in Hyde Park, carefully ruining your Red-blue rug and bohemian Crystal. You run with fear Against the breeze into havens Damp with claggy glue – sticking To one, all and the Little piece of you forgotten. Two By two planks of wood plonk Themselves against rivers deep To only have clambering fools Rush and dive into shallow waters And die. Silently you pack the Set and wander away again, Swallowing air at the rate of Death on amphetamines. All the Pretty colours in their rainbow Charm, fix themselves to your Ever lowered gaze, ringing the Watchers on mountain high. She Walks with scissors. She walks with Blades of grass, cutting away The weeds and extra pieces of Shared emotion in plastic bags A la Safeway Style. The drive Through hums in your head While bees lap up the dread Secretly hiding behind your Mirrored vessels and pulsing veins. Discounted happiness was sold Through Amazonian hourglasses – You fell between two cracks instead, And found the world glowing Bright with trepidation. Mellow dregs Scatter in morning lights and still She sits with gleaming teeth and Jeering fingers, obtuse in colour And direction. You still ventured Into prisons made of hollow grains, To fight the toxins habitually Forming around your organs. She calls You the butterfly master while Running to your legs with those blades, Again and again – just like the nightmare Said she would. She plays the scream Queen so perfectly well, you wonder Whether the oozing pain Gushing forth from your limbs Was simply time telling the black And blue contusion that it’ll All eventually fade to ashes. 19th February 2003 -------------- Ehhh...this is something slightly different from me. Whatever. ~AF~ "Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal |
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| © Copyright 2003 Elizabeth Johnson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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chasing rain Senior Member
since 2001-05-15
Posts 737Canada |
So you finally wrote something. FINALLY. Geez, man, what took you so long?  Heehee. Anyway...to get evil hideously critical on you, *run away! run away!* I didn't like the stanza breaks much. It seemed to hinder the flowiness. The continued thought was just cut off and it was hard to trace the next line back to the original thought. Example: Little piece of you forgotten. Two By two planks of wood plonk Themselves against rivers deep To only have clambering fools Rush and dive into shallow waters And die. Would you perhaps be willing to change the format of this? It's written so incredibly well that it would be a shame to chop it into pieces.  Question: Who is "she", and what is her relationship with "you"? I'm a bit foggy on the subject...  Your word choices are magnificent! Words like amphetamines, trepidation, and contusion are just...I really don't know what they mean, but it just seems so fitting. The words that I DO know, however, fit just right in the context. Such talent. *_* *spah-kle spah-kle* Loved the last 6 lines. That's a keepsake. you wonder Whether the oozing pain Gushing forth from your limbs Was simply time telling the black And blue contusion that it’ll All eventually fade to ashes. Well done, once again! Consider it a library piece.  Leah  His voice, we heard on Usher's Street...amid the screams of angels. [This message has been edited by chasing rain (02-23-2003 10:45 PM).] |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
few things leave me without words but this is one of them. amazing! -majnu |
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Dopey Dope
Moderator
Member Patricius
since 2000-08-30
Posts 11132San Juan, Puerto Rico |
I hated this. Seriously. ok no...nice to see a poem from you liz.  I didn't like this as much as your previous poems i've read, but maybe that's because most of the words in this poem surprised me. I loved the style of the poem, plus the ending was great.... however the poem as a whole just perplexed me way too much to enjoy. I do hope to read more from you though, liz  You were always one of my favs. Look at the sun and burn your eyes. You'll be fine in the end. |
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PoetryIsLife
since 2001-10-27
Posts 1763...in my boxers... |
Smashing, AF. I did enjoy it muchly.  I agree with Leah, however, I think it would be better suited without the line breaks. The confused me, or, at least, seemed abrupt and messed with my flow, dammit. Or, it's flow. The different way you continue lines on the next, basically having flow breaks in the middle of sentences stumbled me, until I got used to it. It's funny, I write like that, but never really get used to it. Ah well. A smashing piece. I can't give you an interpitation, because I don't have one. Just, mayhaps, a feeling here and there. ~Titus "On the plains of Hesitation lie the blackend bones of countless millions, who, at the verge of victory, sat down to wait, and waiting - died." |
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anonymousfemale Member Elite
since 2000-02-02
Posts 2797Limbo |
Good 1:10am to one and all. I'm going to be honest. I had no freakin' idea as to what I was doing here. I knew what I was writing about but the line breaks and whack punctuation came right out of left field. Leah - I like the critiques and I'm in the process of trying to get some order into it. I'll email you the final thing when it's more to my typical style. Who is "she"? Ahh now that would be telling secrets. *grins* No, she isn't anyone too important. Think along the lines of evil twin with more homicidal/suicidal urges and you'll get it. Majnu - Glad to see my tongue ripper-out-ers extend that far. Dopes - I hated this too so we're on even ground - haha. Something perplexed you? You jest!!  I honestly don't know what I was doing here. I'm thinking of perhaps putting it in the shredder and giving it to the dogs. Ti - BOO!  It confused you too? Well god damnit - is anyone not confused by this?? *hears a cricket* ok. Are you sure you can't give an interpretation? Any incling? Ok, ok. I'm happy to see you read it and replied. Stop by next week for coffee and a good book bashing. *grins*I'm sorry this is so crappy. Feel free to set your screens on fire. ~AF~ "Write something, even if it's just a suicide note." -- Gore Vidal |
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Marshalzu
since 2001-02-15
Posts 2681Lurking |
I read this when you first posted it and it didn't make any sense, I came back to it now and it still makes no sense, Now I'm thinking that I have the brain capacity of a less than average intelligence goldfish . So what is it about?Anyway I have to say that I really enjoyed it and apologize for taking so long to reply. Make sure you keep posting here |
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*Belabebeautiful*
since 2003-01-03
Posts 696washington, USA |
I don't know, perhaps because I usually tend to see things differently than most people but I really liked this. Your word choice was excellent and painted a better picture overall while not taking away from the whole of the poem. I agree with everyone else on the line breaks though, slightly distracting! But overall very good in my off beat opinion! It doesn't make to much sense when you try to think about it but the second you just read it comes to you, very nice. ~Live and Laugh~ People always ask me why I don't look toward my future I tell them to many interesting things are happening today. |
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