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The waiting door
| Critical Analysis #2 |
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The waiting door |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
He'd too drunk he go sleep nnot nnnight he'd too drunk |
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| © Copyright 2007 Bill Shirnberg - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Bronzeage Member
since 2007-07-20
Posts 197 |
Well, Bill, First, Welcome to Pip. I hope you like it here. Its confusing when you post a poem in the critique forum and your profile says you do not encourage critique. Drunkeness is an honored feature in poems and poets, but its better to write sober and read drunk. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
Boy sorry, but you seem a little clueless. I don't mean to insult you, but pay attention to what I'm writing I'm not drunk at all and this is not about drinking and its not that complicated. I do invite critical analysis if I made a mistake it was because I just registered and I was not aware I had to aprove that but you don't have to be so touchy about it geez maybe I'm the one thats to touchy though. |
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Always Lisa Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 133 |
Okay, it's about someone with a stutter and speech impediment about ready to kill a drunk? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm clueless too. Help us out here, will ya? |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
Are we seriously supposed to accept this as a legitimate post for Critical Analysis? |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
It's a poor kid hoping not to be molested that night like she has been many times. I suppose if you have to explain a poem its pointless I am writing something that go's with this I guess it doesn't stand on its own. I have bi polar and when I'm psychotic I sometime have these nightmare visions I don't like writing about them but thats what expressing yourself is all a bout maybe its not a poem just a nigthmair. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
I’m having a damn good laugh, this is funny stuff. News flash Bill you didn't post the poem, you just gave us one line. Bill, I'm not laughing at your disorder. I posted this before I knew. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
ya molested kids are hilarious you bet. I told you I wasn't sure I was finished funny stuff though huh by the way who determines how many lines and poem has. "Adam Had'm" you must be the disturb one |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
sorry about getting upset I know this isn't finished and should not have posted so soon. It's something I feel compelled to wright but I don't like what I'm writing one bit. In truth it is more nightmare than poem. I do get touchy when I feel I'm being patronized though read up on bi polar if you are interested we are not all off are rocker all the time. And some very talented people have suffered the disease. might be closer to a short story than a poem when I'm done. |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Bill, I wasn’t laughing at you are the molested kid. When I clicked on (submit reply), Essorant post # 5 was the last post I had seen. Btw, your poem may be a first. I for one have never seen a one line poem before. |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
No its the story of a little girl at the turn of the century. I was going to wright the story of her life but to me its to dark and painful. the outline went she grow's gets married becomes estranged from her family. her husband not understanding talks her into a reconsilation with her family. at a thankgiving dinner her molester rapes her again and she snaps and runs to the authority's. Her family turns against her convincing them she is insane and in a mental instatution she commits suicide. I had it mostly fleshed out but I'm not writing this I'm sending it back to whatever hell it calls home. To revel in the darkness it so desperately craves. Theirs still some kind of light in this world some kind of light. We may not know when our in which direction its coming, but we better believes its on the way. And that's how us severely depressed nut jobs get through the day |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
“ No its the story of a little girl at the turn of the century “ Bill, what do you know about the turn of the century ? You are having trouble with the turn of 2007. Write about what you know . |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
"Write about what you know ." That is not necessary. One may not know what is going to happen in the year 5834, but that doesn't mean he or she may not write an excellent poem about it. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
How do you know Bill didn't mean the most recent "turn of the century?" |
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chopsticks Senior Member
since 2007-10-02
Posts 888The US, |
Essorant, he wasn't talking about a poem. Not A Poet, I thought that was the one he was talking about. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Chop, Give me a working e-mail. I wanna tell you some dirty jokes!  |
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Essorant Member Elite
since 2002-08-10
Posts 4769Regina, Saskatchewan; Canada |
The "dirty joke" is the terrible poetry in this forum. |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Now Ess  |
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Bill Shirnberg Member
since 2007-10-28
Posts 50USA AOK |
O I don't know wish I could delete it I never nailed it any way and the hole poem I was working on was to dark for me. I meant the turn of the 19th century still stuck int the old days I do no a lot about emotional distress and pain so I cant say I don't totally relate to this little girl. And think that crap about writing what you no is garbage what's the imagination for anyway. to many experts on what poetry is its. to subjective I think you have to right for yourself and I probably shouldn't have posted it for review. |
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hunnie_girl
since 2006-06-18
Posts 2567Canada |
Well Bill, Welcome to Passions. Don't say that you shouldn't have posted it, If the poem means something to you than it should be posted for you not for the enjoyment of others, although that would be nice to post for other too but it is not as important. I have to agree with the other it is a little hard to get the whole meaning from one line, I think if you added more to this it would be a really powerful poem. The main reason why I couldn't figure what it was about was because being drunk doesn't only mean people molest children, they could abuse their wife, or they coould just be plain drunk it doesnt necessarily mean one thing, So maybe if you said something more about this little girl waiting scared to see if he is drunk again and if he is going to come into her room that night while her mom sleeps or something to that effect, add more detail then people would maybe take on a better understanding and meaning to this poem. Well best of luck and I hope things get better for you here at Passions, you did kind of hit a bumpy start. good luck Krysti |
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