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Little Red Hoodlum Head
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Little Red Hoodlum Head |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas 
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Little Red Hoodlum Head was a feisty little girl who loved to skip. She skipped Mass, she skipped School, she skipped rocks, and skipped cracks on the slightly weedy sidewalk. One day in the Winter, when desert rats huddled in their sweaters in the chilly 68 degree breeze, Little Red Hoodlum Head's mother stopped her in mid-skip and gave her a bundle. "Take this bundle to Grandma Snowbird. She's afraid to leave the house just in case the Prize Patrol comes knocking. Now git. The mail should be here soon, and I want to look my best." With that, she shooed Little Red Hoodlum Head out the door, who resumed skipping, idling swinging the bundled basket most aggressively. Several concussed sweater wearing desert rats later, she arrived at Grandma Snowbird's house. Well, it wasn't actually a 'house', more of a late model RV temporarily parked in a chintzy lot filled with plastic, wood, and ceramic critters paused in mid-boggle. Little Red Hoodlum Head, being one of those sorts of people, opened the main door and entered without even knocking. As she skipped past the plasma display, she heard movement towards the back of the RV. Bundled basket swinging wildly, knocking a few lamps and trinkets onto the floor with dull thuds, she skipped deeper into the aluminum sided behemoth. In the Master Bedroom, she espied Grandma Snowbird, wearing a floppy print hat and a very vivid mumu, filled with primal colors and tropical birds. Something was different about Grandma Snowbird, but Little Red Hoodlum Head couldn't quite put her finger on it, especially with her very short attention span. Unbeknownst to Little Red Hoodlum Head, that was not Grandma Snowbird in the very vivid mumu, filled with primal colors and tropical birds. That was a wolf in Snowbird's clothing. See, Grandma Snowbird was puttering around her RV waiting for the Prize Patrol when there came a knocking at the main door. "Who's there? I have a belligerent personality, and I'm not afraid to use it!" "Prize Patrol!" All thoughts of browbeating fled upon hearing those two treasured words. Placing her floppy print hat on her blue hair, she sashayed to the door, reflecting on how fortunate she was to have found that Automatic Sticker Licker on Home Shopping Network. It made placing all those stamps and stickers on those validation forms a breeze. Still musing, she opened the door, fully expecting balloons and an oversized check. Instead, there was a Wolf, dressed in a red and white striped suit, minus the spats and straw hat. "Howdy!" And with that, he lunged at her feet and gobbled her up, from the tips of her manicured pudgy toes to the top of her bluish hair. Letting out a mighty belch, he found himself suddenly wearing a floppy print hat and a very vivid mumu, filled with primal colors and tropical birds. In his haste, and ate up Grandma Snowbird whole, reflecting on how his mother always chided him on not chewing his food at least fifty times before swallowing. Suddenly, he heard off-key yodeling, or something like it, his canine ears swiveling and pained. His belly bloated and hurting, from Grandma Snowbird's kicking and belligerent personality, he shuffled slowly to the Master Bedroom. This is where Little Red Hoodlum Head found herself. "You're not Grandma Snowbird!" "Sure I am." "Explain those big eyes then! Grandma Snowbird squints!" "Laser surgery in Mexico, and it was very cheap." "Hrm, OK, I can see that. What about those big teeth? Grandma Snowbird wears dentures!" "Got new teeth in Mexico. Very good dentists, and it was very cheap." "Hrm, OK, I can see that. What about those big ears? They're HUGE!" The wolf, tired of this charade and upset about the comment about his lovely ears, lunged at Little Red Hoodlum Head. Or, at least he tried. However, he was weighed down by Grandma Snowbird, who was still kicking, and never saw the bundled basket until it made contact with his nose. As he clasped his broken nose, there came a mighty rumbling from his gut. "Oh bugger..." Those two words still hanging in the air, his belly exploded, blood and entrails slapping wetly against the pristine walls. From the midst rose a very angry Grandma Snowbird like a primordial Aphrodite. Little Red Hoodlum Head never fully recovered from her experience, first being hit with gore, then seeing Grandma Snowbird in her underwear, and was sent to a happy place, where she has severe fits when served pasta. Grandma Snowbird left Arizona and went back to Canada, never to return. The RV still sits there, surrounded by plastic, wood, and ceramic critters paused in mid-boggle. The End. Arizona adaptation of "Little Red Riding Hood", attributed to the Brothers Grimm and Hans Christian Andersen. Ali 5/28/05 |
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| © Copyright 2005 Alastair Adamson - All Rights Reserved | |||
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merlynh Member
since 1999-09-26
Posts 411deer park, wa |
Cute! I like the changes you made in the character's names, and the use of the Prize Patrol. You certainly have an imaginative mind and are not afraid to use it. |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
This is the most creative tale I've read in a long time!!! Thank you for making me smile!!!  |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
quote: Man, the next time I see something like this, I'm hiking away in the opposite direction! Enjoyed this very much, Ali! Thanks! |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
Oh no.... poor Grandma Snowbirds! Heh, love this Ali, very clever, loved the changes too. Maree  "we all have wings, but some of us don't know why" |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
Ali, you had me on "girl who loved to skip"  You have a real clever skit here. I can picture a little old lady waiting for the Prize Patrol or Ed McMahon to show up at any time. No joke there - that's real life!! This Grandma Snowbird....she had to be in Florida, right? ALL of the Grandma Snowbirds are here!!!  It's great taking stories and rewriting them in a slightly warped, ok twisted, way. I read a book last year called Politically Correct Christmas Tales, one being Frosty the Snowperson...the book can put you in tears. Nicely done, 'cat. I shudder to think what you could do with Robbin' Hood!! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
er, is there really an automatic sticker licker? I need me one of those!!! |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
 It's called a "wife", 'Deer! |
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Balladeer
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-05
Posts 25505Ft. Lauderdale, Fl USA |
so many lines....so little time - and I don't wanna get banned!!! |
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LoveBug
Moderator
Member Elite
since 2000-01-08
Posts 4697 |
hahahahaha! I loved this.. so creative, a wonderful twist on a familiar tale. Fun times!  Love's a lovely lad |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
I'm very pleased you all enjoyed this one. See, I was thinking of stories and fairy tales to tell the grandkids, yanno...testing my memory after 30 years. And though I could remember verbatim the stories, my own quirkiness kept creeping in...not to mention I've always delighted in the 'darker' children stories. Again, thank you for reading and enjoying. As for Robin Hood, I'm not sure I could do that one without the protagonist becoming a politician. *chuckle* |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Good Lord, I just bought Brothers Grimm for my son!!! This is far from a children's book, but I needed this story, Ali. Thank you. |
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Martie
Moderator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-09-21
Posts 28049California |
Ali....this is really cleverly done! I needed the smile you gave me..thank you!  |
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majnu
since 2002-10-13
Posts 1088SF Bay Area |
excellent. also if you like stuff like this you might check out gaimans version of snow white. it is rather disturbing. oh and balladeer you have much more self control than i do. -majnu |
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PhaerieChild Senior Member
since 1999-08-30
Posts 1787Aloha, Oregon |
Okay, now that I have composed myself from my laughter, (really enjoyed the ceramic critters in mid-boggle) the only question that remains is....what was in the basket? |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
"where she has severe fits when served pasta"  Ali, that is very good stuff!!! and Kari? The wife response nearly made me spew coffee from my nose.... "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Ringo 
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684Saluting with misty eyes |
Gee.... did you say you lived in Yuma??? lol This is really cute, and I am a bit miffed I missed it the first time. "...and as we drift along, I never fail to be astounded by the things we'll do for promises..." |
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Alicat Member Elite
since 1999-05-23
Posts 4094Coastal Texas |
I'm tickled that so many of you enjoyed this one, as I really had fun writing it. And yes, Ringo, this was penned while still living in the deserts of SW Arizona, 9 miles east of Yuma. Right about now, the Foothills have swollen from about 30000 full time residents to roughly 60000. Yuma's probably gone from 110000 to about 150000 and will be that way until March or so. |
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aziza Member Elite
since 2006-07-09
Posts 2995Lumpy Oatmeal makes me Crazy! |
There are so many things I love in this, but the one that stands out is that you had me laughing out loud. Lucky grandchildren! Thanks for sharing this, I'd write more but I have to skip out for a bit. Thank you, thank you! aziza |
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fractal007 Senior Member
since 2000-06-01
Posts 1958 |
Hah! That was awesome man! The image of the primal aphrodite in the midst of a very un-pristine take on the whole story is great! I don't think I really have much to say bad about this story, so I have no punches to pull (a la comment u have for constructive critiques). Any idiot can see that the result is true. |
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