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Jack (PDV Challenge)
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Jack (PDV Challenge) |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York 
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I greeted the day curled up in the back seat. Spending the night in my car was not what I had in mind when I agreed to take this job. It was only supposed to be for two nights. It is now going on day five. Damn her, I thought. Looking around, I noticed it was still dark outside. I lit a smoke and cranked down the window whistling some Dylan tune. Flicking the butt out the window, I saw lights on in a window up the street. Hopping into the front, easing into the driver’s seat, I cursed her for leaving me in this shithole of a town. Then I saw the note. It was lying on the dash, her usual manila envelope with thick, black scroll on the front, my name, what she liked to call me: Toni. I tore it open, thinking how much I loved and hated this woman. Toni, my love, Get something to eat, wait for my call. Love, Jezelle There was a twenty-dollar bill inside, crisp and pure. Like Jezelle. I snatched the smokes and headed up the street to Bobby’s. Nobody stared at me when I strolled into the diner. A good sign. I could really use a drink, I thought. There were five people that I could see, not counting who might be in the kitchen or getting their jollies in the john. Two men in the back booth, an old man at the counter, and a girl in her teens. She looked new. You could tell by the way she sat all hunched over looking cold. She held her cigarette as if she were posing for a picture. I had to laugh. That was me three years ago. Green as the grass. I felt sorry for her. When I turned my gaze from the girl, behind the counter stood Bobby. God, how I had missed her. She smiled. I headed for the bathroom. Jesus, I needed a bath. I took off my coat, gave my face a quick rinse and stared straight ahead. For the first time in my life, I was scared. Nothing scarier than staring into your own eyes. When I came out, Bobby already had my coffee ready, black, as usual, and a plate of toast. I pushed the plate away and sipped the coffee. The elderly man mumbled to God. Egg yolk dripped down his stubbly chin. I turned away, focusing on the two men. This is how bad it’s gotten. Two men in a diner, a twenty-dollar bill and a half pack of smokes. So this is where it ends. I couldn’t even drink my coffee thinking of the grimy hands that would soon be groping my breasts. Bobby nodded. It was time. I choked down the cup and took a shot from the pint in my coat. Nothin’ like ole’ Jack to give you a hug when you need it. I sat down next to the blonde one and whispered: “Hi, I’m Toni. Jezelle sent me.” They both grinned and the mulatto slid in next to me. Bobby quickly pulled down the shades. I wanted to scream. The white guy rubbed my thigh and I closed my eyes. I thought of Jezelle. I always thought of Jezelle. And at this moment, it was her lips upon mine, her hands on my body and my eyes searching for her, once again, in the darkness of Bobby’s diner. -------------------------------------------------- /pip/Forum7/HTML/000646.html [This message has been edited by littlewing (03-07-2005 11:20 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Sue Eckam - All Rights Reserved | |||
Mysteria 
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
You may have just raised the standard of this challenge a few notches with this write. Absolutely excellent! I enjoyed it so much I read it twice, and each time I still felt like a fly on the wall. |
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SEA
Moderator
Member Seraphic
since 2000-01-18
Posts 22676with you |
wow Sue....this is fantastic!!!!  |
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Dark Angel Member Patricius
since 1999-08-04
Posts 10095 |
A fly on the wall is right! I sat for a moment after I read this and just blinked at the screen I enjoyed it so much Sue. Well met. Maree  and i knew in the crystalline knowledge of you |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Oh my God..... This is fantastic!! I have to go rewrite mine now! Where have you been hiding this? Wow! Just WOW! |
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
smiling wide... and here you go m'girlie. A toe in the water, and it's warm and inviting? (Well it felt that way, but there's some promising murky too.) grin I'm very glad to find you here.   (Lemme shake the fuzz outta my hair and then check your e mail? And hey? I know, I know, I owe some good critique, but I bet Ron didn't listen to six hours of karoake before he read mine. Thank God/dess.  )I'm just thrilled to read for now.  |
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miscellanea Member Elite
since 2004-06-24
Posts 4060OH |
Great writing. I love the movement in this. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
First of all, all of you have gone stark raving mad . . . *grin* but I thank you because you know, I am just awful at writing fiction, I am not kidding and as of late (Karen) has mentioned about writing and that got a bug crawling around in my head. I started to read and re-read books (Stephen King's "On Writing" a must have for every writer) and you know when I saw Sharon's post (thank you btw for that inspiration) it just went KA-BLAM and POOF! there it was, as soon as I saw the word "diner" I instantly pictured the whole thing and I had my place. Yes, it needs a lot of work, I would seriously appreciate a critique, please and it can be developed way more than it is . . . but trust me I am lucky this popped out of you know where. Like, I want to develop the relationship between her and Bobby more and her background and the relationship between her and Jezelle . . . You guys are so good to me  and make me feel like that what I write is worth something. Thank you for that . . . every single one of you truly made me smile HUGE this morning. |
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Susan Caldwell Member Rara Avis
since 2002-12-27
Posts 8348Florida |
My first response was, "holy crap, they have diners like that?" guess I was deep into the story.. hey Sue? Do more? "too bad ignorance isn't painful" |
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Poet deVine
Administrator
Member Seraphic
since 1999-05-26
Posts 22612Hurricane Alley |
Sue...Stephen King's book is a jewel!! I have it too. |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
Sue? So what's stopping you? Part One is done, keep it going, and eventually who knows? Don't you dare say you suck - I am telling you this was an excellent piece of writing, when you get my undivided attention (sitting still) for as long as it took to read it TWO times! So there! So, develop the realtionships, I will be waiting. |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Susan, one diner I hope to never walk into, that's for sure . . . Sharon, yes, the book is amazing! Sharon (hey) *smile* I will . . . I have to, it doesnt sound right like this, you know? Seems as if parts are missing . . . thank you Lady. |
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Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
What Mysteria says...  ...truts me, she knows! |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Thank you Kari  and thank you Raph for helping me to fix this: Damn her, I thought. Looking around, I noticed it was still dark outside. I lit a smoke and cranked down the window whistling some Dylan tune. Flicking the butt out the window, I saw lights on in a window up the street. Hopping into the front, easing into the driver’s seat, I cursed her for leaving me in this shithole of a town. |
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