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blue_soul17
New Member

since 2006-07-24

Posts 3
Philippines

0 posted 2006-10-03 05:39 AM

The Weary Wanderer…

By: Rachel Claudine C. Gallano
IV – Justice

I was just a little child who didn’t have forethought about tomorrow.
I played with other kids,
I bathed in the rain and in the river,
I was not conscious on every action I made,
I did almost everything that an ordinary child should have done.

When I reached the age of fourteen,
I learned to love and I experienced to be loved,
Then, my poor little heart was broken.
And at this very moment,
I’m still walking to nowhere.
My nostalgia of my past is haunting and slowly killing me.
I believe, I am unworthy,
Every little thing I do is always a failure.
This world is letting me down,
I don’t know if I can stand on my own,
Because I’m getting restless every day,
every hour, every minute and every second of my life.
I don’t wish to wake up anymore, since I have no reasons to live for.
No one, even my own family and friends, could accept my real self.

“Where is the little child that’s supposed to be enjoying her life?” I asked myself.
The answer:
“She is already gone with all the happy memories and leaves you with sad memoirs. Always bear in mind that the only constant here on earth are changes and death.”

*can u pls help me to correct this? this is mine and i'll pass it to our school paper. pls give some comments: positive & negative...

MukkaKukka
Member

since 2006-09-18

Posts 88
Finland

1 posted 2006-10-03 06:55 AM

I would start by reducing the prosaic characteristics from this.

Focus on the more powerful symbols, mirror them, use fewer words and take metaphors from nature for example, because its very hard to explain your feelings this way, the way you have done here,

So because every mosaic of feelings is personal every collection of poetic imagery should be as well...

Triskaidekaphobia
Member

since 2003-02-05

Posts 251
In a state of disrepair...

2 posted 2006-10-03 08:32 AM

I would agree with MukkaKukka's suggestions. I should also like to say not to go to overboard with symbolism. It's difficult to get to grips with at first (after all we are not all as talented as MukkaKukka

). I would suggest picking an image you are familiar with at first.

I also should say if it is for a school paper try not to mix metaphors. I used to have a Draconian english teacher that would scream at me for doing that!

One a last note thesaurus are incredibly helpful things. Educational too.

If I confused at all in this post feel free to ignore me, everyone else does.

"The world won't end in darkness, it'll end in family fun
With Coca Cola clouds behind a Big Mac sun."

One God by The Beautiful South

blue_soul17
New Member

since 2006-07-24

Posts 3
Philippines

3 posted 2006-10-05 07:24 AM

thank u for correcting and for ur comments!!! I really appreciate it...

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