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Open Poetry #39

The Nocturne Unfurled

Treebounders
New Member

since 2006-12-15

Posts 1

0 posted 2006-12-15 11:43 PM

Hey, I'm new to poetry and this is a Shakespearean sonnet/conceit that I wrote for an English assignment. I've already submitted this but I would like some critique so I can further refine it. Thanks

The Nocturne Unfurled

Bequeath thy garb of raven plumage, child;
Thou sin uncouth hath men instilled in fear,
Lest rage and Odin’s wrath thou hast drawn or riled;
But facing God is merely dark veneer
For lord of starless kingdoms lost in mist;
And harlots rise to meet thy wicked will;
To seek the craven wholly – please desist!
What art thou true intent, if not to kill?
Most fetid shade, though youthful frailty hides
Thy pretense shifting, turning strong behest;
The fiend that strokes and scars the virgin brides
And slaves the lechers to their guilt abreast;
Oh Nocturne! Darkest blight of earth to cloud
The soul of every man and beast avowed.

[This message has been edited by Treebounders (12-16-2006 12:43 AM).]

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

1 posted 2006-12-16 12:34 PM

wow! this reads like college stuff to me...so glad my college is done and over with!

I'm not a critic so I can't help you there, but I will say I enjoyed this piece.

Welcome to Passions!

Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant

since 2000-01-29

Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia

2 posted 2006-12-17 01:03 AM

Welcome to Passions... a very nice entrance indeed! RDB

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