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Open Poetry #39
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kylecobain
New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 4
Indiana - USA

0 posted 2006-12-15 08:13 PM


Ok this is the first poem I've EVER tried to write so I'd like to hear what improvements could be made. Thanks
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I think I'll call it... "I hope I don't say too much"

I pick up the phone to give you a call, I try to think of something sweet to say, but as the phone starts to ring my knees get weak, my heart starts to race, then you voice comes on the line, & all my thoughts are blown away as your sweet sexy voice has me mesmerized, the only thing I can say is that same stupid line "Hey, how you doing". As our conversation goes on my body starts to calm with thoughts of you in my arms & with all these feelings I can only imagine how great it will be when the day comes we finally meet & embrace each other with caring arms, & maybe if I lucky a sweet kiss from you. I have to stop now before I say too much, cause I've already thought of saying those words, you know the words, those three special words, yeah I've thought of saying that but stopped myself & said it was too soon, cause I can't take the chance of scaring you away & losing you like that. Ok, now I have to stop as I may have already said too much. I'll care for you always, forever & a day.

© Copyright 2006 Kyle Hunchman - All Rights Reserved
Midnitesun
Deputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Empyrean
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647
Gaia
1 posted 2006-12-15 08:28 PM


Welcome!
Some line breaks will make it more readable. Play around with the format a bit, maybe look around at what others have offered. Find a style you like, then emulate it!
I enjoyed the thoughts here, and know many of us have been on one or the other end of a similar call.

Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354
Listening to every heart
2 posted 2006-12-15 09:41 PM


Midnitesun has it right.  Some line breaks,
spaced properly, would give this the glow and flow of a nice free-verse poem.

Welcome to Passions!
Check your Email for a very special Greeting!

" It matters not this distance now  " Excerpt, Yesterday's Love
~*~
KRJ

kylecobain
New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 4
Indiana - USA
3 posted 2006-12-15 10:08 PM


Thanks for the insight, the whole idea of writing a poem just poped into my head at work today so when I went on break I just started writing. Trust me I'm not the poem writing type or writing of any kind so I don't know what came over me to write this but I did & sent it to the girl I was writing about.
kylecobain
New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 4
Indiana - USA
4 posted 2006-12-15 10:09 PM


Thanks for the insight, the whole idea of writing a poem just poped into my head at work today so when I went on break I just started writing. Trust me I'm not the poem writing type or writing of any kind so I don't know what came over me to write this but I did & sent it to the girl I was writing about.
kylecobain
New Member
since 2006-12-15
Posts 4
Indiana - USA
5 posted 2006-12-15 10:10 PM


Thanks for the insight, the whole idea of writing a poem just poped into my head at work today so when I went on break I just started writing. Trust me I'm not the poem writing type or writing of any kind so I don't know what came over me to write this but I did & sent it to the girl I was writing about.
ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353
Michigan, USA
6 posted 2006-12-16 03:15 PM


Welcome to Passions.

Smiling at your response...no matter what improvements we might suggest to the structure of your poem...
The meaning and what came over you is crystal clear.

Best wishes, and write on!
TD

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean
since 1999-11-16
Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA
7 posted 2006-12-16 06:03 PM


You can always start with three words that need to be said..."I like you."  And build on that...James
Roniece Dawson-Bruce
Member Ascendant
since 2000-01-29
Posts 5689
Sydney, Australia
8 posted 2006-12-17 12:59 PM


Welcome to Passions - you will love it here.. I enjoyed your first piece of writing - it is written from your heart I see a nice place to start!  RDB
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