Remembering a Winter Night with Kelsey

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Open Poetry #39

Remembering a Winter Night with Kelsey

themute
Member

since 2006-05-08

Posts 469
Maryland

0 posted 2006-10-14 11:08 AM

Somber and tempered as winter at night
My love you do seem so soothing tonight
Your eyes all aglow with beautiful light
Love you do vex me, desired delight
The nighttime is changing as seasons of sight
As winter to spring, you seem to me bright
The trees and the flowers, your beauty is right
Reviving a season, your love brings respite
From the coldness of winters within me I fight.
Beauty of beauties, loveliest loves,
Somber and tempered as winter at night.

I am the two-toed wanderer

Sarkany
Junior Member

since 2006-10-14

Posts 32

1 posted 2006-10-14 05:38 PM

Hi

There is a lot to like in this poem that reads like a sonnet. To use similar sounding rhyming words and to make sense from line to line is one of the most difficult thing to pull off in poetry. The danger in this type of rhyming sequences is that the poem may sound boarning/anoying and logical flow may be lost. Your poem manages to avoids these pitfalls yet, I think a line-by-line edit may improve the overall quality/readability of this otherwise well crafted poem.

Sarkany

themute
Member

since 2006-05-08

Posts 469
Maryland

2 posted 2006-10-14 05:59 PM

Thanks for the critique, I have to admit, I didn't edit it at all after finnishing and it was finnished in approximately 20 minutes. (but this is for the most part a usual thing) Oh, and I have edited it now to the extent I feel is nessesary. Feel free to read it this time and see if you like the difference.

I am the two-toed wanderer

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