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Open Poetry #37
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2 poems
| Open Poetry #37 |
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2 poems |
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amepoesie Member
since 2006-01-19
Posts 63Canada |
Hi all, I am revising most of my poems in order to self-publish them. Below, you will find two different poems I revised. First I'll display the original version, then below, the revised version. I would like to have your objective and constructive comments on them, and I would also like to know which one you prefer of the two versions, every time, and why. Thanks a lot! You and I You and I, we have greeted so many! We are not evil; we want liberty. We are angels in disguise. We follow Your souls and their great, immortal flambeau. We know who you are; we love you. That’s all. We’ve lived and wept with you. Eternity Is our song. Don’t fret! Heaven is friendly. We will help you when it is time to go, You and I. Though your body will decay, we’ll still see The real you, what some call flaw, fallacy. Like the universe and its endless flow, You will be given Life and Death to grow, And we will for ever see your glory. You and I. Winnipeg, November 19, 2005 Revised version (April 28, 2006) You and I, we have greeted so many! We are no evil; we chose liberty! Timeless angels in disguise, we follow Every single soul and her grand flambeau. We know who you are and love you. Just be! Growing with you is our Father’s blessing. We dwell where inmost aspirations sing. Let us guide you when it is time to go, You and I. Should you fall off, we shall catch your gloaming. We will comfort you when hope keeps parting. Like the universe and its endless flow, You will be given Life and Death to grow, And we will for ever see you shining. You and I. I was there before They keep on saying that times are changing. Yet, to me, they just want a divine fight. They may offer me their best hirelings, I’ll never accept to support their plight. They preach that Man is weak, that God is fake; Yet, I think they are too proud to let go. They may burn my effigies at the stake, I’ll always forgive them and their show. Though I am in the dark, happy, fulfilled, They’ll always mock and scorn my boundlessness. But never will they fathom why I’m so skilled. After all, I was there before they turned shiftless. Winnipeg, November 19, 2005 Revised version (April 28, 2006) They keep on saying that times are changing. Yet, I believe they just want God’s smite. They may offer me their best hireling, Never will I espouse their painful plight. They preach that Man is weak, that God is fake. Still, methinks, pride is not love’s recompense. They may burn my effigies at the stake, I will aye absolve mortals’ diffidence. Though I am in the dark, happy, fulfilled, Always do they trample my boundlessness. Still, will they ever take what I self-willed? After all, I was there before they turned shiftless. Cendrine Marrouat |
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| © Copyright 2006 Cendrine Marrouat - All Rights Reserved | |||
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EagleScorpion Senior Member
since 2000-03-08
Posts 1644Here, Now, Forever |
I liked the first version of You and I. It touched me in a way the second one couldnt. I like the first version of the second poem as well. You definately have something good going on there. Your message is powerful |
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amepoesie Member
since 2006-01-19
Posts 63Canada |
Thank you very much! |
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