assassination - revised 3/21/06

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Open Poetry #37

assassination - revised 3/21/06

Jack Straw
Member

since 2006-03-02

Posts 70

0 posted 2006-03-20 07:55 PM

I wonder what would Washington say?
If he knew of today
different things he may say
way back in the day

What would Albert do?
different things too?
if he only knew
what the world would do
with his brewing stew.

Before the modern age
we were free of our cage
internal war we wage
against the machine of today
rage
rage
rage
against the machine of today

"A revolution of industry
surely will be the end of me!"
what Freedom said
Before he was shot dead in the head
blood dripped red
as Karl wept with Fred

You see he knew of the plot
that the greedy men had wrought.
and he found himself caught
inside a world of distraught
----------

added a couple stanzas a few more lines

P.S. it's not Albert (Einstein) who's being shot

[This message has been edited by Jack Straw (03-21-2006 11:53 AM).]

Ratleader

Member Rara Avis

since 2003-01-23

Posts 7026
Visiting Earth on a Guest Pass

1 posted 2006-03-20 08:25 PM

Yup, a good start but does need some work. Make sure your reader knows about this person -- it didn't ring bells with me and I found myself wondering, Albert who? How come he got shot? So, make sure the uninitiated reader will know what's up!

Whatever you do, keep that casual tone -- the contrast with your serious subject really magnifies the impact.

Oh, and a minor note-- wrought, with a W.....!

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