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| Open Poetry #36 |
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Kuwabara New Member
since 2005-11-21
Posts 5NH, USA |
Darkest demons, nor deepest secrets, can push me, scare me or down my spirits. through the shadows I see your glow, That faded, surpressed light from long ago, hopes stamped into the dirt, every spark splashed adding to the hurt. Crushed plans, ruined dreams, each day more the world splits at it's seems. this pattern of great flame, dashed out with ice streaks of pain, Which refuses to cease, Now my fate faces, a chance to bring peace, a cycle to end, allow joy, and a heart to finally mend. ..... I'm not sure what to call this and I dont know how well structured it is. I'm not really much of a poet, so it's probably alittle too much as far as rhyming goes. Kuwa. [This message has been edited by Kuwabara (12-17-2005 12:07 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2005 Hans - All Rights Reserved | |||
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OwlSA Member Rara Avis
since 2005-11-07
Posts 9347Durban, South Africa |
As far as the title goes, it has always been my opinion that it is an important part of the creation of the poet and should ultimately be created by him/her. However, I suggest you let the poem mull in your mind for a couple of days and then, without reading it or considering the detail, think of what most embodies the poem for you. Either make that the title, or let it take you on the pathway of finding a title for it. A few suggestions: I would start a new stanza with the 3rd line and remove all periods at the ends of lines(except for the last one) (thus after spirits, ago, hurt, seams, pain, peace) and replace them with a semi-colon (  .May I correct a couple of grammar/typing mistakes? "Not darkest demons nor deepest secrets" "splits at its seams" It's = it is. The possessive form doesn't have an apostrophe. Seem = appear Seam = the sewn join that holds a garment together suppressed (leave out the first r) If it is the flame or the pain that refuses to cease then "refuses" is correct. If it is the ice streaks then it should be "refuse". No comma after "faces". "Allow" has 2 l's. Please don't be offended. If you are, just tell me and I won't suggest corrections again. I enjoyed your poem very much, but not your pain. I am glad that you won't allow anything to dampen your spirits. Well done! - Owl |
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BrokenWinged_Angel Junior Member
since 2005-12-17
Posts 29 |
(Re-registered yet again thanks to loosing the one email to a hacker.... -.- ) Very nicely written...I can understand up to a point what made you write it. Write more sweetie, :p but stick it in the Corner Pub.. hehe I go there more :p |
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littlewing Member Rara Avis
since 2003-03-02
Posts 9655New York |
Welcome to PIP! You are going to love it here and will learn a lot. There are a ton of forums to spy. Glad you came here first. |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Hans~ WECOME to PiP ! I think of 'titles' as the doormat that welcomes me in .... you'll come up with one, I'm just sure of it~ Enjoy your stay with us ... we are a friendly lot and welcome newcomers with open arms~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*No matter what I search for ... |
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Kuwabara New Member
since 2005-11-21
Posts 5NH, USA |
Owl, Thanks for the suggestions, I really could use them, hehe, like I had said I'm not much of a poet  that just put itself down. Ah, I ment more like a singlur thing that repeats itself, even through diferent people, the allow spelling error I kinda missed, lol. No I dont mind it at all, thanksHey Angel *hugs*  glad you can, I'm still wondering if that came out of my fingers, although thinking about it I'm pretty sure you're right. I put it here because I wasnt sure where it would fit better, I'll try an float arround there alittle more Little wing, Yes, I know, I've already wandered many of them, and am trying to learn more. Marge, thanks, hehe, I'm not great at naming things but not extreamly creative either. I will, I'd been wandering PiP for about a year when I saw I could register *hugs* |
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ThisDiamond Member Rara Avis
since 2002-02-22
Posts 9353Michigan, USA |
Welcome to Passions: I wanted to compliment you on your innate choice of rhyme. The poetry inside flows well, and I hope you will continue to join us in writing the heart here. Happy Holidays, ThisDiamond |
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Enchantress Member Empyrean
since 2001-08-14
Posts 35113Canada eh. |
WELCOME TO PASSIONS! I much enjoyed your first post. Looking forward to seeing more of your work. ~Smiles & Hugs, Nancy~ ~Let peace begin with me... |
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Kuwabara New Member
since 2005-11-21
Posts 5NH, USA |
Also Owl, I dont mind my own pains as much as the pain of a friend, I'm pretty sure that was the muse for this poem. ThisDiamond, Nancy, Thank you both, I cant make any promises, but I'll try to get down on paper anything that comes to mind |
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