Regretfully I must report
A sad year in the world of sports.
Floridians, who love their games
Have watched their teams go down in flames.

FSU? Guess what? They're through
The Hurricanes and Gators, too.
These college football juggernauts
Have left our stomachs tied in knots.

The newly-vamped Miami Heat
Have experts saying, "can't be beat"
I would be more apt to agree
If they could score a victory.

There was a time they were our darlin's
And everybody loved the Marlins
But Wayne played butcher boy again
And they ain't done a thing since then.

The Panthers? They can't even skate!
The way they play is second-rate.
They are the team that I would like
Much better if they stayed on strike!

These sports, it seems, are not designed
For our true skills - we need to find
Some other things where we excel
In things that we do very well.

Putting shutters up in seconds flat.
We sure as hell excel in that.
Detroit, Chicago - let's see you
Nail plywood sheets the way we do.

Getting through those 4-ways stops
No lights, no signs, no rules, no cops.
Dodging roof tiles and debris
Arriving home in victory.

Gimmee that first-place trophy, please
For chopping down and hauling trees.
Gold cups for patience? Those are mine
For standing in the FEMA line.

No one is better than I am
At eating all those pounds of Spam.
Someone should give a ring to me
For life without electricity.

Baseball? Football? That's for wimps
Activities for steroid chimps.
In the real games that we all play
Florida blows them all away!