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Open Poetry #36
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Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan

0 posted 2005-10-30 03:58 PM



Oh come now Sir
This old horse won’t ride any better
However new the leather saddle
You put on its bones

Only a fool
Would think it true
That miracles will happen if only you
Comb and color the mane

So let me go
As I’m apt to do
And see what sale will still occur
For though this night’s not young

There’s plenty of ale to go around
And who yet knows but another man
May make you a better deal

© Copyright 2005 John Pawlik - All Rights Reserved
DennisTheMenace
Member
since 2005-09-04
Posts 240

1 posted 2005-10-30 04:03 PM


Really like this
Another brew will do,
the next 1 might b the 1 with who u can deal,
U a wise

Bodger
Senior Member
since 2005-06-12
Posts 1260
Tolerance for a short time
2 posted 2005-10-30 04:41 PM


Love it

Hope you dont mind if I do an old horse poem

Dave

Huan Yi
Member Ascendant
since 2004-10-12
Posts 6688
Waukegan
3 posted 2005-10-30 07:38 PM



Dave,

Feel free.  I don't own the theme.

Especially since Dennis doesn't
wait until I'm dead to claim even my
poem as his own;

see:

/pip/Forum93/HTML/002931.html  


in:

/pip/Forum93/HTML/002934.html


John

DennisTheMenace
Member
since 2005-09-04
Posts 240

4 posted 2005-10-31 12:40 PM


ooooo touchy,
I did give u top billing, moved it complete, no curruption;
sooo sorry if I offended, twern't my plan man, but we moved it so far from what you started.
Still I recognize U inspired

keep on livin and writin

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738

5 posted 2005-10-31 01:48 AM


Wow.

I did notice the striking similarities.

but then? shrug...

It's a leaf.

I notice a lot of striking similarities in fallen leaves. A whole lot of 'em are yellow.

I've noticed a lot of striking similarities in many autumnal themed poems, regarding fallen leaves. A whole lot of 'em are yellow.

No offense John, but I almost wrote one about quivering black bags, but nod, I read yours first, and I would have been more explicit that my black bag was full of fetid meat maggots, and not the more expansive bag of decaying leaves...but then, my style is less subtle. So I left mine not posted, although it meant something entirely different, simply because it was too similar.

Both black bags quivered, for differing reason. (I just happen to be funny about things too similar.)

But in defense of the named culprit, I think we can find at least ten other poems utilizing the yellow fallen leaf as starring subject/metaphor.

I think brevity does have its limitations; and as much as I admire the style, it leaves you open to interpretation at whim.

One for the moderators to decide I guess.

But I ain't one no mo.

But since you encourage critique, I might suggest that the only complaint I have regarding your poetry is the vagueness of it--shrug--so sue me.

I want more.

Ringo
Deputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 10 ToursDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 TourDeputy Moderator 1 Tour
Member Elite
since 2003-02-20
Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes
6 posted 2005-10-31 05:07 AM


Interesting.


When all is said
All is done
Still I live
And carry on-
Quiet Riot

Ron
Administrator
Member Rara Avis
since 1999-05-19
Posts 8669
Michigan, US
7 posted 2005-10-31 01:30 PM


Dennis, giving someone "top billing" doesn't mean you can use their car without first asking. Nor would I even consider it "top billing" when you post four stanzas and give no indication who wrote what.

People have a right to be touchy, I think, when others treat them far too lightly.

Drauntz
Member Elite
since 2007-03-16
Posts 2905
Los Angeles California
8 posted 2007-04-21 06:59 PM


everything can happen with ale.
And it also make poem better read.

beautiful poem. beautiful.  

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