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Open Poetry #36
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the stars mock me
| Open Poetry #36 |
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the stars mock me |
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crimson tear Member
since 2003-06-07
Posts 76Massachusetts 
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(this was originally going to be a song but i can't find anyone to help me put it to music so you guys get it) All these years later and i find theres something not quite right inside my mind yeah well i guess i've always known but it's painfully clear, now that i'm on my own i feel withered up and old my souls the only thing i haven't sold...yet so i head face first into the wind only to find the doors locked they won't let me in again so when you stare at my worn down face does it make your soul cringe to see this beast you used to call your friend to try and see the kid you used to know the innocent i killed so many years ago so turn your back and look away nothing good can ever stay our only hope is to survive so drop a penny in the cup and wish me up some better luck and cast our memories aside as you walk away when you're alone and don't recognize yourself and life turns into a perfect hell look back on the memories you have they're all we've got when we're down down so low the stars are all i see shining bright with what i'll never be |
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| © Copyright 2005 shane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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StevenS Senior Member
since 2005-09-21
Posts 945L. A. (Lower Alabama) |
Crimson tear, sometimes I feel like I saddled a jackass in the race of life. I launched a canoe in search for Atlantis. I'm mapping the stars through the lens of a beer mug. Although it seems I'm getting nowhere fast, by God i'm in the race, i'm searching, and i'm mapping the stars. :-)An old fighter won't have any stories to tell without any scars. Don't be to hard on yourself. Could you be misreading those stars? They might be telling you to pick up a guitar. I liked your poem and I certainly can relate. [This message has been edited by StevenS (09-27-2005 07:02 AM).] |
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Sharksbean Member
since 2005-09-25
Posts 368jax |
me and my family are going through bankruptcy right now so i can understand how you feel like your going through hell. But but remember with every grey cloud there is a silver lining and you really should try to make this a song |
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Marge Tindal 
since 1999-11-06
Posts 42384Florida's Foreverly Shores |
Shane~ 'drop a penny in the cup and wish me up some better luck' I like that thought~ *Huglets*  ~*Marge*~ ~*When the heart grieves over what it has lost, |
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Pilgrimage Member Elite
since 2001-12-04
Posts 3945Texas, USA |
Oh this is excellent! I especially like: my souls the only thing i haven't sold...yet That opens up alarming possibilites, doesn't it? This is lyrical and musical, and it should be a song. I wish I knew someone to write music, this is so good. Nan (Pilgrim variety) |
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yv Senior Member
since 2003-05-30
Posts 574 |
This was a very emotionally wraught poem...it speaks of so much truth and hardship. I enjoyed this on a personal level. And...although a bit late to the welcom wagon...it would be wrong of me not to say Welcome to Passions...so... Welcome to Passions!!! Yv~Seeing eternal Sunshine |
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Angelheart Senior Member
since 2005-09-08
Posts 754Jacksonville,FL USA |
Very poetic poem, and thanks for sharing Poetry can get you very far |
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crimson tear Member
since 2003-06-07
Posts 76Massachusetts |
thanks guys |
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Mysteria
since 2001-03-07
Posts 18328British Columbia, Canada |
I think it would make a great song! I am sorry you cant' find anyone to put some melody to it, as I found a rather simple tune worked in my mind. Great writing, good luck. To see real beauty - look with your heart. |
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Midnitesun
since 2001-05-18
Posts 28647Gaia |
Well, I think it has potential, with a few phrases that could be worked into a chorus or refrain. (LOL, I am not a musician, so I might be using the wrong terminology here) So I'd say, stay with it. I'll bet you even have an idea what notes/chords go with it, even if you aren't a musician or composer. Have you tried singing these lyrics outloud to someone who plays piano or guitar, who might collaborate? |
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SarBear Member
since 2003-06-05
Posts 205Massachusetts |
Glad to see you're still writing. I really like this: "when you're alone and don't recognize yourself and life turns into a perfect hell look back on the memories you have they're all we've got when we're down down so low the stars are all i see shining bright with what i'll never be" Glistening Tears Roll Down My Cheeks |
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