Ok, my first attempt at a Sonnet...........

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Open Poetry #36

Ok, my first attempt at a Sonnet...........

marcel
Senior Member

since 2003-03-02

Posts 660
az, usa

0 posted 2005-09-19 12:44 PM

Love

My dowry to the sun that smiles
For giving me what happiness finds fond
Will be flowers that bloom beguile
While lilies reflect silence upon the pond
Youth and beauty bestows the heart to growth
Such sweet sadness sets the horizon gaze
Through binoculars or oculars observe the truth
Yet and still eyes rise ablaze
To kiss and return to life the days borrow
Regardless to sunsets feigned embalm
To the fading dismay of the moonlights sorrow
No fooling time, when breaths are calm
A rise to irises upon my love I weep
Forever and today, memories are mines to keep.

Marcel

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

1 posted 2005-09-19 02:26 AM

This is beautiful. I'm afraid to attempt one.

Bodger
Senior Member

since 2005-06-12

Posts 1260
Tolerance for a short time

2 posted 2005-09-19 08:41 PM

I'm in a mood to try anything

I raised my soul to give happiness
On a backgate we dreamed
Of who would be flowered
Of silence in those eyes that reflect on a soul
while youth and beauty bestow
heart to reasons

but silence is of a matter of matter
and desire growing to burnish the sun for tardiness
in covers
never found
and morning arises as we do
with the feeling

we never discuss

Yet and still eyes rise ablaze
To kiss and return to life the days borrow
Regardless to sunsets feigned embalm
To the fading dismay of the moonlights sorrow
No fooling time, when breaths are calm
A rise to irises upon my love I weep
Forever and today, memories are mines to keep.

Marcel

IP: Logged

ice
Member Elite

since 2003-05-17

Posts 3404
Pennsylvania

3 posted 2005-09-19 09:14 PM

Marcel
This is a beautiful poem.
It has the story structure of a sonnet, and also the rhyme scheme is correct, for a Shakespearian sonnet...I believe you need to work on your syllable count though, (Typically 10 syllables per line) if you want to use the strict rules of the form...

By reading this poem, I am convinced you have read other sonnets...
You have done well on your first attempt, it would be nice to read more, in this form, by your pen....

---------------ice
><>

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

4 posted 2005-09-20 12:35 PM

Keith,

You did very well with the structure of this sonnet...a few details as you progress are small...tempo and count...

The feeling here was sincere and heartfelt, and that requires real talent in any form, but especially in such a structured form...you did a great job, and I loved the calm and tenderness you expressed.

TD

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