Longing to rhyme - pipTalk Forums

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inkedgoddess
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-11-19

Posts 7392
Ohio

0 posted 2005-03-03 04:16 PM

Striking of chimes
the trees dream devine
summertime simmers
and love stays sumblime

striking of chimes
the branches divide
in remiss of their leaves
and the longing to rhyme

striking of chimes
the moon does remind
as it forms its new circle
how i'm missing our time.

[This message has been edited by inkedgoddess (03-03-2005 10:29 PM).]

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

1 posted 2005-03-03 04:26 PM

inkedgoddess,
   I like the repetition and, yes, rhyme.

"striking of chimes
a moon passes by
as a new circle forms
and i'm missing our time"

The moon cycles will continue, and being that they're cyclic, I wonder if the shades or variations of time will also return...  hope so...
                miscellanea

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

2 posted 2005-03-03 05:06 PM

smiling at this...

here you are longing to rhyme and I'm trying to STOP.

I liked the repetition of the first line, I felt it underscored your theme nicely, and the looser format of rhyme didn't interrupt the flow.

Enjoyed mish, and I leave convinced that you can do anything you want to do.

littlewing
Member Rara Avis

since 2003-03-02

Posts 9655
New York

3 posted 2005-03-03 09:43 PM

I agree Michele . . . I LOVED this, too

a sing-songy pattern kind of like a triolet.

I thought this was a form you had tried, it should be, its beautiful.

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095