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DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

0 posted 2005-02-03 09:39 PM

By the old red brick hands gripped into the face mortar crumbling in our hands as a future we felt so deeply nothing could seem to be wrong as we felt the vibration between ourselves lips enlashed hair entwined eyes enrapped as water swirled over the wall and we held

Like a japanese battle before the advance in torrential rain we held in respect for nothing should be squandered so easily in the heat of a moment seeking relase on a dark thunderous night of challenge in the rough waters on the quay

Maybe there would be a tomorrow, a beating for me, and I would fight as I could, maybe I could say something but I dont have those words in me no matter how it goes

You are safe, wet but safe and in a land of fisherfolk we face the sea and I come from a fishing family and I will prove myself

Lets go to your home and some day

We will go to ours

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2005-02-03 10:41 PM

wow, what a beautiful love story! Loved the imagery, the feelings you let flow with the tide

DavePage
Member Elite

since 2003-12-21

Posts 2917

2 posted 2005-02-03 11:43 PM

Thanks Midnight.

It has been in my head for a long time.

A poem tonight kicked it into being.

I just need to find the rest and write some more when it comes out of my head, some time.

Dave

ThisDiamond
Member Rara Avis

since 2002-02-22

Posts 9353
Michigan, USA

3 posted 2005-02-05 05:57 PM

I especially liked the weave of the sea here...

The last two verses were sweeter, and gave much power to the entire write.

Would suggest punctuation when you finalize, at the points the reader should pause. Hoping it helps you showcase this fine work.
TD

the_loner_23
Member Ascendant

since 2002-06-08

Posts 5479
Jacksonville, Florida, USA

4 posted 2005-02-05 05:59 PM

An awesome love story.

Cold hands means a warm heart

MGROVES

Member Elite

since 2004-02-01

Posts 3802
california

5 posted 2005-02-05 06:14 PM

interesting words~
thoughts to ponder~
you can sure make one feel the need to
think

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

6 posted 2005-02-06 11:01 PM

I Like

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