New Life Within Youthful Sun-Strands (scene 1)

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Open Poetry #34

New Life Within Youthful Sun-Strands (scene 1)

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

0 posted 2004-12-02 10:35 PM

Alarms ring
out entwining
in sweet
harmony with
youthful sun-strands
sapphire orbs
released from
overprotective eyelids
and carpet softens
to cradle
lumbering limbs
steam faucet
breathes new
life into
fatigued skin.
obisidan hair
fades to
a palet
of gray
and denim
monoxide exhalings
carry off on
crisp whispering
winter winds
as crumbling
orange brick
comes into sight
Grungeton High.

(i'm trying out something a little different. I'm writing a series of poetry to more or less give a script or story to a novel/movie that i'm attempting to write. This would be the first scene in the movie. i hope you all enjoy.)

nice use of muffin

aim= FlyingScrew. message me if you feel.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2004-12-03 01:02 AM

'overprotected eyelids'
lol
Some of your line breaks are a bit distracting.
I think it flows better this way:

Alarms ring out
entwining in sweet harmony
with youthful sun-strands
sapphire orbs released
from overprotective eyelids
and carpet softens
to cradle lumbering limbs

just my thoughts
about Grungeton High

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