Victims of Passion (repost from archive)

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Open Poetry #33

Victims of Passion (repost from archive)

quatro
Member

since 2003-04-29

Posts 392
Galveston, Texas

0 posted 2004-09-10 10:43 AM

I recently revised this poem and decided to repost for feedback. What do you think?

Victims of Passion (Revised)

The harbor's cool mist
dampens their bare skin.
in forbidden love
they forget their sin.

A one-eyed lighthouse
observes the young pair;
alone in the dark
they are without care.

A moment of chance,
as lovers entwine;
and spill on the beach
a bottle of wine.

Passion climaxes,
he's holding her hand;
lovers united
as one on the sand.

Cradling their love
in orgasmic weight;
not seeing the cop
who'd soon steal their fate.

A moment in time
is stolen once more;
leaving lust behind
on that sandy shore.

What's done in the dark
will soon come to light;
victims of passion
on one star-lit night.

quatro

*************************

Victims of Passion (Archive)

The harbor's cool mist
moistens bare skin.
In the heat of the moment
they forget their sin.

A one-eyed lighthouse
winks at the pair
alone in the dark
they are without care.

A moment of chance
is stolen from time
as they spill on the beach
a bottle of wine.

Their passion climaxes
he's holding her hand.
Two lovers united
as one in the sand.

Cradling their love
in orgasmic weight,
unaware of the cop
who would soon steal their fate.

A moment in time
is stolen once more;
leaving behind their lust
on that sandy shore.

What's done in the dark
will soon come to light.
Two victims of passion
on one star-lit night.

miscellanea
Member Elite

since 2004-06-24

Posts 4060
OH

1 posted 2004-09-10 11:10 AM

Yes!  I see the difference.  It is amazing how one can keep the same idea but change the rhythm and a few words to make such a nice difference.  I like this VERY much.
           miscellanea

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

2 posted 2004-09-10 11:42 AM

I do like the revision, quatro.
Brings the reader into the scene very well.

Seymour Tabin
Member Empyrean

since 1999-07-07

Posts 31720
Tamarac Fla

3 posted 2004-09-10 12:31 PM

quatro
Well done, enjoyed.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2004-09-10 12:42 PM

good job!

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