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E S West
Member

since 2004-08-31

Posts 116
California

0 posted 2004-09-07 05:46 PM

Cotton candy clouds, float on sunset sky,
Painted in pastels, by sun's fire glow.
Soon, night seeks control, creeping sly,
Vying with day, for it's own show.

Day fights back, not ready to go,
Darkness it wishes to deny.
Cotton candy clouds, float on sunset sky,
Painted in pastels, by sun's fire glow.

Night slowly draws in, stealth it's ploy,
Spreading it's deep hues to and fro.
Waiting upon the day to die.
Defiantley the sun beams flow.
Cotton candy clouds, float on sunset sky,
Painted in pastels, by sun's fire glow.

"always be true to SELF, and follow your heart.."
" Ignorance is the root of all evil "

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

1 posted 2004-09-07 06:49 PM

loved the imagery in this

those would be some yummy sweet clouds

Enchantress
Member Empyrean

since 2001-08-14

Posts 35113
Canada eh.

2 posted 2004-09-07 06:51 PM

Beautiful imagery...love this piece!
Hugs~

~ Summer can't be over...
I still have the sand in my shoes. ~

Magnus

Member Laureate

since 2001-10-10

Posts 14135
South Carolina, USA

3 posted 2004-09-07 07:15 PM

ES,  I like the feel of this poem.  And the
scenes you have painted within it.
Your rhythm could use a little tweaking.  Some
lines have a very good 8 count meter to them
and when spoken out loud,  they blend very
nicely together...Some of the lines have a
count of 10,  and there is one that is 9..
For example,  line 1 is 10,  line 2 is 9,
line 3, an 8,  line 4,5 and 6...a very smooth
flowing 8 count....  You are doing nothing
wrong,  I did the same thing when I first
started writing....a dude slammed my poem
very harshly....almost got p.o'd by it,
but....started reading some basic poetry
books and started learning about meter
and the stresses on syllables...things like
that.  Your poem is a very beautiful poem.
With time,  it can become a masterpiece for
you.  You write a lot of beautiful thoughts,
don't stop!!

ShiningWindHaze
Member

since 2004-09-06

Posts 138
California, United States

4 posted 2004-09-07 08:38 PM

I enjoyed the poem in it's entirety and did not worry about any counts. Not badgering you Magnus, But honestly I felt this poem was very profound. The day fighting back against the night as the sun shines through pink cotton candy clouds. It reminded me of my childhood. An easy going place with no drama. Write how you feel and if you must use meters then let it be your choice and not someone elses.

- Haze

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

5 posted 2004-09-07 08:44 PM

Yummy, whispy like cotton candy. Beautiful visuals.

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

6 posted 2004-09-07 08:47 PM

Gorgeous painting!

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