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Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

0 posted 2004-08-10 05:37 PM

Every single day
lost opportunities
thrown away,
and everything I do
is wasted on you.

I’m wasting away
time day by day.
I’m wasting away
life this way.

Everything I do,
everything I say
wasted on you.
I’m wasted away.

I’m wasting away
(so pale and thin).
I’m wasted away.
(do it again).

I gave it all away
for something new.
I throw it all away
wasted on you.

Copperbell
Senior Member

since 2003-11-08

Posts 956

1 posted 2004-08-10 08:32 PM

This makes me think of a song with the repetition.

One suggestion...with the repetition of the words wasted away, the reader may lose some curiosity about where you're going. If you dig a little deeper for your words and what you are trying to say, you'll hold the reader captive.

Hope to read more of your stuff.

Effigy
Member

since 2000-04-11

Posts 486
disbelief

2 posted 2004-08-10 10:08 PM

Thank you for the response, I greatly appreciate your insight, however I have to whole-heartedly say that I don't care. It has been so long sence I've written, I'm just thrilled that I could still type. Not to sound trite but keeping the reader interested in what I was writting really didn't even come in to mind.I just wanted to write something..anything.
Thanks again for your helpful suggestions.

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

3 posted 2004-08-11 03:50 AM

"I’m wasting away
(so pale and thin).
I’m wasted away.
(do it again).

I gave it all away
for something new.
I throw it all away
wasted on you."

Isn't that always the way of it?! Enjoyed the rhythm of this and wonder if it wouldn't make good lyrics for a song.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2004-08-11 04:40 AM

damn, I know how you feel

Earth Angel
Member Empyrean

since 2002-08-27

Posts 40215
Realms of Light