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Paper Tiger
Member

since 2003-09-28

Posts 77

0 posted 2004-08-08 04:18 AM

I haven't posted on here in quite awhile; I've recently fallen on some hard times, and this piece here really describes how I've been in the last month or so. Please, I'd really like feedback, and ideas for a title...

Alas, he's finally
surrendering
to this subconscious,
idiosyncratic isolation:
too overcome to
repair his devastation.

He doesn't want
to be this way:
finding excuses,
feeding his emptiness,
feeling powerless
and on his back again;
but even nothing
has abandoned him,
and left him for dead:
feeble and weak
without hope
or reason.

He can't lift himself up,
and find his way out
on his own;
the gap is thinning,
the light is fading--
his life is slipping.

In my eyes, I'm not lazy. In your eyes, I'm not worth it.

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

1 posted 2004-08-08 06:56 AM

As a title suggested?

"elipses"

and I would end the poem on just that note too, simply because it adds to the emphasis of thought placed forward without apparency.

Sometimes an ellipses emphasises...

see what I mean?

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

2 posted 2004-08-08 10:23 AM

but even nothing
has abandoned him,

What intense despair is carried in these two lines. Yet, there is a sense of hope in this as it shows the longing of the spirit to rebound is still there.

A title could be "dissolution"

On a personal note, have hope, for in hope, all things are possible.

Susan

Happiness isn't something that happens to you, it's created from within you. Joy is a state of mind.

aujussy wolf

Senior Member

since 2003-08-09

Posts 1215
Michigan

3 posted 2004-08-08 11:56 AM

a good release write , nice placement

-wolf

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2004-08-08 12:14 PM

reminds me of one I wrote where the last line was
"and even my shadow leaves"

chin up...it all comes back

iliana
Member Patricius

since 2003-12-05

Posts 13434
USA

5 posted 2004-08-08 02:22 PM

Paper Tiger, all the comments above describe the feelings conveyed. I remember PS' poem and even thought of it when I read the lines that "even nothing has abandoned him." Because the "he" in this poem is still trying to survive, I would suggest a title like that...something like, "Reaching Out" or "Throw a Rope" or "Hermit's Plea"...something like that, although I like the other title's suggested above, as well. Glad to see you back and sorry about the difficult days you've had. ....jo

Paper Tiger
Member

since 2003-09-28

Posts 77

6 posted 2004-08-08 09:16 PM

Thanks so much for all of your replies. So far, I think I like the title "Hermit's Plea" the best.

In my eyes, I'm not lazy. In your eyes, I'm not worth it.

Midnitesun

Member Empyrean

since 2001-05-18

Posts 28647
Gaia

7 posted 2004-08-09 10:35 PM

quote:
feeding his emptiness

there, is your title,
for it underscores the entire write with a layer of gut-wrenching honest despair

and yet? there is at least one line of hope:

quote:
He doesn't want
to be this way

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

8 posted 2004-08-10 08:21 PM

Hope things improve for you...nice writing...I like a title that gives hope..."And Then The Dawn"...James

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