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Magick
| Dark Poetry #1 |
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Magick |
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hathor Junior Member
since 2000-01-17
Posts 17 |
The only thing that keeps me alive is kept hidden from the world shunned from most of society looked down upon by "friends" but its ok because the goddess rules in 2000. |
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| © Copyright 2000 hathor - All Rights Reserved | |||
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
hathor: i understand your idea here (in part) but i think you could have done something far more profound with it... not everyone will understand the significance of the title ("magick") and the reference to "the goddess" in the last line... i would suggest that you tell the reader a bit more about this "thing" that keeps you alive... also, have you ever seen the movie billy madison? there's this kid (O'Doyle) that picks on billy all the time and always says "O'Doyle Rules!", then half-way through the movie you see a car driving down a mountain highway and from the car comes the repetitious chant "O'Doyle Rules!! O'Doyle Rules! . . ." well... the car careens off a cliff and the people inside chant this all the way to the ground where, of course, the car explodes... well.. *heh* all of that to say that your final line brings that image to my mind... i dont know if that's good or bad, but i dont think it's the effect you were looking for... i might suggest changing "rules" to something more like "has dominion" and "in 2000" to "in this infant millenium"... just a few suggestions... sincerely, jerome the boy with no brain A savage place! as holy and enchanted As e'er beneath a waning moon was haunted By woman wailing for her demon-lover! ~Coleridge |
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~Venus~ Member
since 2000-01-27
Posts 128 |
It's nice...could stand some improvement...I definetely agree with Jerome on the last line...although not about the movie. Well, keep writing!  ~goddess of love, passion, and desire~ |
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