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Paula Finn
Member Ascendant

since 2000-06-17

Posts 5546
missouri

0 posted 2004-04-20 12:07 PM

Twasn't where I thought it would be
Not in your eyes or on your lips
Twasn't even the words you so softly spoke
Twas the way your hands clenched so tight
Fingers entwined and knuckles so white
As the words tumbled from your mouth

And I lowered my head and smiled

JL
Member Ascendant

since 2004-04-01

Posts 6128
Texas, USA

1 posted 2004-04-20 12:13 PM

Wow, this is such a good write, and leaves the reader wanting more.
Had me holding my breath at the end. I like this one very much.
JL

INclan
Senior Member

since 1999-07-20

Posts 1024
Indiana, USA

2 posted 2004-04-20 12:38 PM

I too enjoyed the read and found myself asking for more...WELL DOne.

INclan

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

3 posted 2004-04-20 12:52 PM

cool piece

Grover
Senior Member

since 2004-01-27

Posts 1967
London, ON, Canada

4 posted 2004-04-20 12:54 PM

Enjoyed!

Decaflame
Senior Member

since 2001-05-11

Posts 1635

5 posted 2004-04-20 02:31 PM

Paula...I can read this
two ways...
one of which I applaud...

Very good!

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

6 posted 2004-04-20 11:46 PM

Enjoyed...James

muted

Member Elite

since 2004-01-15

Posts 2949
Elapsing, Eclipsing, Evolving

7 posted 2004-04-21 01:55 AM

lovely

Snowflake From Hell
Senior Member

since 2003-07-10

Posts 777
My own little Icey Oblivion

8 posted 2004-04-21 02:14 PM

im not even gonna ask why youre in such a good mood cuz i probably dont wanna know =D good job mother lady

Can you hear my cries, can you hear my pleads, will you watch me burn...or would you bleed for me?

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

9 posted 2004-04-21 03:12 PM

Paula, this also made me want to know more.
I hope that whatever they had to confess was good.

Hugs,
Ethel

Dark Angel
Member Patricius

since 1999-08-04

Posts 10095

10 posted 2004-04-21 05:43 PM

I rreally love the delicate feel to this, the way it made me smile with you.

I wasn't to fond of the "'Twas's" and I felt there were to many "so's"
I experimented and took them out and just rearranged the position of the "and"(hope you don't mind)and this is what I got.

It wasn’t where I thought it would be
not in your eyes or on your lips
it wasn’t even the words you softly spoke
or the way your hands clenched tight
with fingers entwined, knuckles white
and as the words tumbled from your mouth

I lowered my head and smiled.

Like I said, just an experiment.

Maree

Have you any dreams you'd like to sell?

Stevie Nicks

Paula Finn
Member Ascendant

since 2000-06-17

Posts 5546
missouri

11 posted 2004-04-22 10:39 AM

Thanks you all...and Dark Angel...I don't mind my words being changed...I just don't do much of it myself. I write how the words form in my head with little or no revision. Sometimes makes for some disjointed poetry but I always write as it comes.

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