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Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

0 posted 2004-05-24 04:47 PM

your eyes how dreamy they
seem through your pain
and blue demin jeans
I see your soul

your hands rough as they
seem I see the real you
through the soul of
within. like a glass
ready to be broken
I am there to pick
up your pieaces.

we both been shattered
beaten and broken. we
get up with smiles
upon our faces and
meet the day with
brand new hope

together we shall
walk hand and hand
pure long and strong
no matter what goes
on between us.

Fool me once shame on you.....Fool me twice shame on me.....

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

1 posted 2004-05-24 04:57 PM

Hey Foxy...regarding critique, I think you would have a more powerful poem here with just a few line breaks, and some spelling corrections...no rewrite, just readjusting some lines, with a bit of punctuation thrown in...and a couple of words removed, as you don't need them. E-mail me if you have any questions. Your poem is heartfelt, and I think I know where you got your inspiration!

your eyes,
how dreamy they seem
through your pain
and blue demin jeans -
I see your soul

your hands,
rough as they seem
I see the real you
through the soul within,
like a glass
ready to be broken -
I am there to pick
up your pieces.

we have both been shattered,
beaten and broken.
we get up with smiles
upon our faces,
meet the day with
brand new hope.

together we shall
walk hand in hand
pure, long, and strong,
no matter what goes on
between us.

~*~

JL
Member Ascendant

since 2004-04-01

Posts 6128
Texas, USA

2 posted 2004-05-24 05:38 PM

Very nice sentiment felt in this write!

JL

She said: ”You look cute in the dark.”

Kethry
Member Rara Avis

since 2000-07-29

Posts 9082
Victoria Australia

3 posted 2004-05-24 05:54 PM

I think Sunshine is right the line breaks work and if you want to add emphasis use bold or italics. This is very well written as is, however if you use a full stop please use a capital letter to start the next phrase.

Here in the midst of my lonely abyss, a single joy I find...your presence in my mind. Unknown

Foxyoasis
Senior Member

since 2003-06-10

Posts 974
Atlantic Beach,Fla

4 posted 2004-05-24 08:33 PM

thanks guys,and you to for the help much appreciated

JamesMichael
Member Empyrean

since 1999-11-16

Posts 33336
Kapolei, Hawaii, USA

5 posted 2004-05-26 12:23 PM

Lovely, lovely thoughts...James

Susan
Member Ascendant

since 2004-03-27

Posts 5104
walking the surreal

6 posted 2004-05-26 12:47 PM

I like the way this expresses looking into the depth of a person. Enjoyed.

Smiles -- Susan

The whole of the Universe resides within each individual heart.

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

7 posted 2004-05-26 02:59 AM

nicely done

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