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Insomnia's World
| Open Poetry #32 |
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Insomnia's World |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
First post here... I'd appreciate any feedback or criticisms ya'll could give. Thanks in advance. Insomnia’s World Flashes of TV blue reveal heavy eyes shadowed by the day. The remote and the darkness are his only companions when the neighborhood sleeps. Rhythmic, flickering clicks between late-night infomercials and porn, as glassed eyes stare past the glow. Silence screams, static blares while muffled conversations of TV trash echo in this lonely room. His eyes water, begging for closure in a struggle between day and night, as the half closed, oval stare of ceiling fades to black, shadowing insomnia’s world, until tomorrow. |
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LucidityNow Member
since 2001-02-06
Posts 118Canada |
Hi, I liked this poem, as I am semi-afflicted with insomnia. Since your asking for critique, I do have some suggestions. Twice in the poem you refer to "He", which is fine, but I think the poem might come off a bit more dramatically without the reference to the person. I will post an edited version of your poem to show you what I mean. Flashes of TV blue reveal heavy eyes shadowed by the day. Remote and darkness, (or for something different, "Remote controlled darkness," >>> "the only companion when" ?) the only companions when neighborhoods sleep. Rhythmic flickering clicks between late-night infomercials and porn, glassed eyes stare... past the glow. Silence screams, static blares while muffled conversations of TV trash echo in this lonely room. Begging for closure, eyes water, a grapple between day and night, the half closed, oval stare of ceiling fades to black, shadowing insomnia’s world, until tomorrow. I ended up changing a few things, took out a lot of the small words (as, the, his, in, etc), and made a small change to the last stanza. I love the original poem though. I just wanted to show you the difference without as many adverbs and such. I feel that sometimes, it makes the individual lines take on a bit more character, which you may either like, or dislike, depending on how a poem was meant to be read outloud. Hope this helps. Great work, keep it up. and i'm certain that if i drive into those trees, it would make less of a mess, than she's made of me... |
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iliana Member Patricius
since 2003-12-05
Posts 13434USA |
I'm not much for critiqueing, sorry -- but your poem was very effective in describing how my eyes feel right now (and I'm pretty much an insomniac so I would know about that). Welcome to this forum! |
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Wow, thanks Lucidity for the critiques... I'll definetly take everything you said into consideration, and I appreciate you taking the time to correct it. Iliana, thanks for your kind words as well. |
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