Open Poetry #31 |
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If I Would Ask You More |
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vandana![]()
since 1999-10-22
Posts 10463USA |
Do you think I should stopped loving you Or I shall go on loving you With my love on your heart? Your love on my heart If I ask you for more If I would ask more Of your love I never lie. Without your love. So true I never die Without you If I would ask more of you Loving me I know It would be wrong for me To ask you more. Love would last long If I would ask more Never lie What I have to ask you It would be wrong for me To ask you loving you,as I do Will you still love me If I ask you more of you [This message has been edited by vandana (01-31-2004 10:54 AM).] |
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© Copyright 2004 vandana - All Rights Reserved | |||
Sunshine
Administrator
Member Empyrean
since 1999-06-25
Posts 63354Listening to every heart |
Vandana, your critique button is open... perhaps now is a good time to start working on critique. Are you ready? ![]() Here are some of the changes I would make to your poem, for English and grammatical purposes. What I have done is put your poem below, centered, with my changes. Tell me what you think, and I will watch for your response. And yes, my friend, I'm doing well. Thank you! loving you? Or shall I go on loving you With my love on your heart? Your love on my heart. If I ask of you is for more, but would I ask more Of your love? I never lie. With your love So true, I never die. Without you. If I would ask more of you Loving me I know It would be wrong for me To ask you more. Love would last long If I would ask more. Never lie. What I have to ask you ~ It would be wrong for me To ask you, loving you, [as I do] Will you still love me If I ask more of you ~*~ Now, Vandana, remember, this is only my interpretation of your poem. Line breaks, commas, periods, other punctuation marks could make all the difference in your poetry. I'm taking a gamble here, critiquing you in open. As I said, you are encouraging critiques, and mine is more of a punctionation placement comment - and in that, I could be wrong. But I know from our discussions you want to learn. ![]() |
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Mistletoe Angel![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2000-12-17
Posts 32816Portland, Oregon |
![]() (smiles) Awwwwwwww, I love this, sweet friend, always listen to your heart and ask what it wants and if the love is felt, keep asking and if in doubt, keep the shipments from coming! (big angel hugs) God Bless You, sweet friend, we all love you so much! You have such a beautiful heart, sweet Vandana, thank you for sharing! ![]() May love and light always shine upon you! Love, Noah Eaton "You'll find something that's enough to keep you |
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passing shadows Member Empyrean
since 1999-08-26
Posts 45577displaced |
vandana, Sunshine has some great advice... I love the way you write, always enjoy reading you ![]() |
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ambrish Member
since 2003-03-27
Posts 257India |
nice poem,liked its words. |
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KristieSue![]() ![]() ![]() ![]()
since 2003-01-31
Posts 1460PA, US |
if one loved you then, they will love you later... "Painting is poetry which is seen and not heard, and poetry is a painting which is heard but not seen." ~Leonardo da Vinci |
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