the disadvantage of evolution

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Local Rebel
Member Ascendant

since 1999-12-21

Posts 5767
Southern Abstentia

0 posted 2004-02-26 10:43 PM

there she was
exhaling seductively
when I discovered her

sitting there

a haunting of
pale gray smoke
wafted out
her lips
taunting eyes averted

a wry smile
egotistically pinched
me into a corner

perhaps some
latent
limbic-system response

I knew she'd been
watching me
longer

and liked it

but
regardless the gravity of my
paleopallumal daydreams
the neocortex
constructed a more
forceful trajectory
and carried me
on by

dumb

I wondered for a moment
which brain
was smarter

Juju
Member Elite

since 2003-12-29

Posts 3429
In your dreams

1 posted 2004-02-26 10:51 PM

Wow that was really good.
Sometimes I feal bad for guys. you have far to much drama in your lives. I liked how you did a story that seemed to lie beneath the words. Depth in poetry makes it interesting. You used unique words to your poem that gave it an edge. Sometimes it makes me cry when some poeple make there poem a mass of combined cliches. Yours was very unique. I have no real critiques on your poem, but you had a good poem.

_Juju

suthern

Member Seraphic

since 1999-07-29

Posts 20723
Louisiana

2 posted 2004-02-26 11:33 PM

LOL... the ending is perfect. *G*

Of course... Auntie would say more... but her thoughts don't quite conform with Open's G rating system. LOL So... I'll just say... I enjoyed. *G*

BluesSerenade
Member Patricius

since 2001-10-23

Posts 10549
By the Seaside

3 posted 2004-02-26 11:44 PM

a wry smile
egotistically pinched
me into a corner

that does it!!!
and furthermore, what's not to like~

passing shadows
Member Empyrean

since 1999-08-26

Posts 45577
displaced

4 posted 2004-02-27 03:27 AM

*passing by quietly, not even breathing*

serenity blaze
Member Empyrean

since 2000-02-02

Posts 27738

5 posted 2004-02-27 04:50 AM

You had me at hello.

You lost me at:

"paleopallumal daydreams"

*chuckle*

But? it was your game all the way, Reb.

I tend to ticklish delight at this sorta thing.

(maybe you can make gumbo. Y'just gotta leave that fish stock alone.)

damnyergood

Sunshine

Administrator

Member Empyrean

since 1999-06-25

Posts 63354
Listening to every heart

6 posted 2004-02-27 06:22 AM

Just like that?

...just like that.
I will carry THIS smile, all day...

Cpat Hair

Member Patricius

since 2001-06-05

Posts 11793

7 posted 2004-02-27 07:37 AM

truly enjoyed this LR..as I do most all you have offered... here are few minor tweaks I might make if it were mine..but as always such things are basically up to the author..
hope you don't mind...

there ( perhaps lose the there) she was
exhaling seductively
when I discovered her

sitting there ( again possibly drop "there")

a haunting of
pale gray smoke
wafted out (not sure this is in tense with sitting)
her lips
taunting eyes averted

perhaps a bit of rewording on above?

(A haunt of
pale gray smoke
in waft from lips
taunting eyes averted)

a wry smile (with wry smile)
(she)egotistically pinched
me into a corner

perhaps some
latent
limbic-system response

I knew she'd been
watching me
longer

and liked it

but
regardless the gravity of my
paleopallumal daydreams
the neocortex
constructed a more
forceful trajectory
and carried me
on by ( chuckling..black holes again?)

dumb ( perhaps perplexed or consternated instead of dumb?)

I wondered for a moment
which brain
was smarter

as usual sir... an excellent read...

[This message has been edited by Cpat Hair (02-27-2004 08:52 AM).]

LeeJ
Member Patricius

since 2003-06-19

Posts 13296

8 posted 2004-02-27 07:44 AM

I'm lost for words, which is clearly and understatement for me...outstanding write
very much enjoyed...and I love the words you've used to express...outstanding!

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