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Teen Poetry #7
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Combination
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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Combination |
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Allysa 
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden 
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(Author's Note: I had about three paragraphs that I wrote and I formed this piece by copying certain parts of the paragraph and pasting them into another document. I found it amusing and quite fun) Combination Jesus Christ, do you realize- Those words, socks thrown on the floor by my shoes, Never wanted to take the risk. kiss me at recess make them, my demons, just go away. It was artistic pain very few people ever noticed when I was gone pink walls surrounding me and no one ever saw it but me I wasn’t alive as you can probably imagine. beaten this out a good twenty times I used to sit up there because I didn’t exist. No one missed me nothing will ever be good enough I was too weird just maybe if I had The stars, the lines, the little nonsense designs thrown on the floor No one missed me No one missed me No one missed me because I didn’t exist. |
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| © Copyright 2004 Allysa - All Rights Reserved | |||
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drummerboy678 Member
since 2003-10-28
Posts 134 |
Allysa - Very nice. I was surprised (and a little mad) to see this one gone so far without being responded to. It's excellent. I love the first 5 or 6 lines. The beginning of the poem is definetly the strongest. Two comments though.. You said you formed this by taking parts from a bigger story. You can kind of tell. I would try to make it flow better, relating each idea to the next, instead of the discombobulated flow it has now (although in a way it does work, based on the mood of the character). Second problem I had with it was: No one missed me No one missed me No one missed me I think the last two lines are incredibly strong, but are weakened by the repeating of these lines before it. I think just: No one missed me because I didn't exist would be a much stronger ending. Anyways, great write. Keep posting. |
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loner187 Member
since 2004-03-21
Posts 106Upstate New York |
Deep write up. Sort-of dark in a way. But, good. I think everyone can relate to it at some point in their life, that feeling of emptiness, no one really caring. Overall good. Just, you need to tie up some loose ends. -A "Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile." |
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Allysa
since 1999-11-09
Posts 1952In an upside-down garden |
Thanks for your replies, guys. Drummer, I agree, the first five lines I like. I didn't like the rest of it too much, but I wanted to post it for some reason that I've long forgotten. I wrote/combined another one, but I haven't posted it, I'm not sure as to why. It was a lot more connected. Perhaps I'll fix this one, then again, maybe I won't. Thanks again. |
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aujussy wolf
since 2003-08-09
Posts 1215Michigan |
liked it ally , cool idea it seemed to go together in it's own way props , -wolf |
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