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EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

0 posted 2004-02-05 07:36 PM

It's another grey Saturday morning.
10:00am
(the defining hour)
and Janie wakes up
To the sight of man
Struggling into his jeans.

Wrapped in a bedsheet
She scours the floor for items of clothing
Dressing undercover
Away from the stranger's eyes.

Going already.
He firmly leads her out onto the damp grey pavement.

She stumbles off to the bus stop
Back to Mother
School
Homework
Chores.

And she hides the evidence
on the number 26.
Smudged makeup
A mark on her throat that requires a scarf
The hard, set line of her mouth
Anything, in fact, to suggest that
She may not have been at a sleepover.

I am a firm believer in the authority of the ruling class. Especially since I rule.

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

1 posted 2004-02-05 09:02 PM

This is excellent! Really neat and a clever twist too. I like the way it is so concise. It definitely works for me. But I will leave the critique to those who know what they are talking about. I can only say how I feel.
Liz xx

"Time has told me not to ask for more, one day our ocean will find its shore" ~Nick Drake

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2004-02-06 10:06 PM

I'm impressed at the unigueness and sharpness of your writing. "She hides the evidence on the number 26." Hmm, I'm not sure I understand this line. Is there a hidden meaning? Or is it something obvious I'm not seeing?
A sleepover, I like how causal that sounds.
Excellent job.
~Lex

EleanorMoonbaby
Member

since 2002-09-02

Posts 202
England, UK

3 posted 2004-02-07 08:45 AM

The number 26 refers to a bus route. And thanks very much!

It's to Jimmy Eat World and those nights in my car, the first star you see might not be a star.... I'm not your star.

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

4 posted 2004-02-07 10:34 PM

Ahh... the sleepover excuse. Been there done that one! lol I really like this. I am not really good with the whole critique thing. I more like to tell you how i feel about the poem too. I can relate to it definately, except when i use that excus its usually to go to some party or something not to go spend the night with a guy. lol I hope to hear more of your stuff. you are a really good writer.
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

5 posted 2004-02-15 03:58 PM

Mmm... the famous excuse.

I like the way you've captured her feelings. This is a perfect example of what poetry's supposed to be... painting a picture with words.

I really like this.

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

6 posted 2004-02-16 05:01 PM

That isn't quite what I was expecting. It flowed really well. Nice work.

~sky

Hold on, if you feel like letting go
Hold on, it gets better than you know....
~Good Charlotte

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