Dirty hands that are cleansed from our burning paper towels

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young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

0 posted 2004-02-04 08:59 AM

Dirty hands that are cleansed from our burning paper towels

lets pray to paper coffins that ignite our sacrifices of praise,
the things we know of and burn inside over for years.
We love the dancing game of the flames and sultry rays,
Bask, burn, blister, broil, but still turn your face to this sun.
let's take the slow things that fall into our pockets of dust
and empty them into stark white tombs to be destroyed by time.
Face the vacant lots in our hearts left open by decieted lu*t,
But lets take this one day at a time to see how empty we can be.
How many times have we said that the gun and knife
have spoken to us and stroked our dirty faces for comfort?
The words themselves were enough of a scare in this life
To break the fall of slipping thoughts and shaking hands.
So paper coffins with charred wording tell us that life isn't so bad,
That the unseen days ahead are far better than the white tombs behind.
Walk away from our special pires built to make our sadness glad,
Lets go make our own dances in the coming sunlight from the forbiden east.

now im alone, but not lonely like before

[This message has been edited by young_blood (02-04-2004 11:39 AM).]

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

1 posted 2004-02-07 09:31 PM

hmmmm...i would like some comments. please

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

2 posted 2004-02-08 07:37 PM

"But lets take this one day at a time to see how empty we can be.
How many times have we said that the gun and knife
have spoken to us and stroked our dirty faces for comfort?"

These were my favorite lines.
I think this is really good. I especilly liked the title. There is so much insight in this piece.
Thanks for sharing
~Lex

davidmerriman
Member

since 2003-04-30

Posts 123
Dallas, TX

3 posted 2004-02-09 11:51 PM

i usually dont like overly dramatic poems like this, but this one wasnt bad. you definately went gangbusters for dark imagery.

the good lines got lost because there was so much of the same. i'd throw in some basic stuff, like describing what made you sad. or describe what it feels like, in addition to heaping on general words of woe.

you could also work on cleaning up the metaphors running rampant in your poem. i kind of got lost.

and remember, the only reason im writing a critique is because i saw some really good stuff.

"How many times have we said that the gun and knife
have spoken to us and stroked our dirty faces for comfort?"

i liked this line too

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

4 posted 2004-02-10 08:04 PM

thanks alot man. i really really appreciate the feedback. this one was more unfocused than i usually am. like i was just writing.thanks though
-alex

Ixxi
Member

since 2004-01-02

Posts 77
England

5 posted 2004-02-12 12:58 PM

This one is impressive!
Great title, great start, great ending. I love everything about this one. Well done and good luck with writing more poetry at this high standard in the future.

blueyedlioness
Member

since 2003-04-24

Posts 289
USA

6 posted 2004-02-17 11:17 AM

Hmm.

I've been reading a lot of your work, here... being that you seem to post more than almost anyone on this forum.

The things I'm noticing about you are that you don't have a set style... you play with both free verse and rhyme, and different types of rhythm in both. And that you like metaphors and surprising people.

At first, I thought I didn't like your work, simply because I like "Mary Had a Little Lamb" type rhyme schemes to a fault.

This morning, though, being not so tired and having more patience to read things until I understand them, I've decided you have amazing talent in something I don't quite understand.

I think it's putting words into unusual context.

Whatever it may be, I like it. And I like this poem best of all your work. It makes me want to drive to the desert and dance to the sunrise...

Thankyou for sharing your specialness with me.

~Lioness

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

7 posted 2004-02-17 02:52 PM

well, first off, thank you all for your comments. it gives me a kick to come and see that someone has posted. second, lioness- thank you for coming to appreciate the different styles of poetry that i write.

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