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Teen Poetry #7
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the music box
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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the music box |
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unwantedspork Junior Member
since 2004-02-02
Posts 24 |
(Glass violin Please play for me. Golden flute I hear, Sing to me.) I dance my fears away. The music starts slowly. Counting 1 2 3 4 toes two step four dip spin. With every spin the music get louder My mind fades away Into the dark corner the corner where he is. I don’t watch him, I don’t look at him Yet I know who he is. He comes here everynight. I don’t pay attention, and the music gets faster. My heart beats louder. The waltz comes, and music slows down. I leap off, awaiting my cue. I peek through the curtains as I hear “I love you” It’s the man, the man Ive always known, and yet to meet. I start to get nervous, my fears and memories are kicking in, I guess I will have to wait till tomorrow nights spin to talk to him. ________ Okay, its not my best, (I HATE ITS RYTHEM!) so I hate to be posting it up here, Please be honest, dont sugar coat. [This message has been edited by unwantedspork (02-02-2004 10:09 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2004 unwantedspork - All Rights Reserved | |||
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serenity blaze Member Empyrean
since 2000-02-02
Posts 27738 |
Aw...don't hate it. (And don't go away either, I LOVE your username--it made me feel guilty about cleaning out my junk drawer.) I loved the opening, and the imagery was just yummy. The flow could use some improvement, sure, but all in all I think was a fine offering. and Welcome to Passions, where even sporks are wanted.  |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Yay! Sporks, I love sporks, haha. Welcome to pip!  Judging from this poem, Im glad you're here. The imagery on this was wonderful, excellent job. Thanks for sharing. I hope you have a long and enjoyable stay here. W.W. |
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unwantedspork Junior Member
since 2004-02-02
Posts 24 |
thankx. I had wanted to post replys, but i had to join, and i wantedto go ahead and post one. I agree, it does need work, I changed this about a million times. it started out as a dream, then as a music box ballerina. I dunno, I change everything at the last minute. I hope to post some of my others soon!  thx |
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Essential Distress Junior Member
since 2004-01-22
Posts 33 |
yeah. nice. if you wanted to improve it further... try adding a few hints to the reader, its good to leave so much to the imagination, but if the reader is too busy worrying about whats going on, theyll miss the yummy imagery! |
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Michelle_loves_Mike
since 2003-12-20
Posts 1189Pennsylvania |
Welcome to Passions hate is such a strong word,,,,, all of us here have room to work on something,,you'll get your rhythem down,,,just keep up the good work Michelle I wish all could find the true happiness I have found,,in the eyes of Mike |
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vlraynes Member Rara Avis
since 2000-07-25
Posts 8229Somewhere... out there... |
Welcome!...and yes...we love sporks here! I truly enjoyed this, just the way it is. You had me feeling the movement of the dance...the spinning...and then the slowing... the all of it. A bit of playing with the rhythm and flow wouldn't hurt, but again... it's already a great piece, and I'm glad you've shared it. Again...welcome!...I hope to read lots more from you! ~Vicky "When the power of love overcomes the love |
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
ya the start was good, ummm....after that it just became ok. you should continue with the music box metaphor. |
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