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Teen Poetry #7
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You're Gone
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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You're Gone |
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
Some how this began Lost all trust in “Yes I can” One day truned into two One game only made for you You played me like a ball game And only myself do I blame We used to be so dam strong Our love was like a romance song Some how we grew apart No longer your sweetheart Then one day I needed you You looked at me like I was see-through You walked all over me Crushed me till I couldn’t see My heart broke Throat tied till I could only choke You left me alone Hanging like a phone Away you went I was left just a mere fragment You gave into her charms With me craving for you warm arms You couldn’t care less Only the fact that she would undress So there goes my love Floating towards the up above My one My sun My all You, paul How could you do this? You are now just a lingering kiss You left me without a goodbye My mouth had never been so dry Shes your new Im just the old you used to screw I hope you will know Im not some baggage you need to tow Im trying not to care But my souls been peeled bare Tomorrow will come But for now I am trully numb *Note: First time rhyming.... gimme sum pointers!!!* Please answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11 |
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| © Copyright 2004 Sophie A Ryan - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Jelfling Junior Member
since 2004-01-27
Posts 21Indiana |
No offense, but it seems like you're really trying to force it to rhythm. I think I like your other poems better because of it, but for a first attempt it's not bad. |
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darkness_witch Senior Member
since 2003-12-03
Posts 516Underneath |
thnx for replying thnx for being honest.... i like critism i agree with u to be honest.... i was finding it real hard to get the flow right... i figured i may as well post it cus i needed sum advice!!! I think ill stick to my other stuff! thnx agen for replying! Please answer, I'm calling just to find out if you could be there for me when I crack - finger 11 |
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aussie teen Member
since 2003-09-27
Posts 396Australia |
nice write even if the ryhme was forced... your heart was in it but rhyme is sumthin that doesnt always agree with all people and well dont let it get you down...... and i agree stick with your old style.... the subject matter is something i relate to in so many ways...... i can email you with a couple of mine from last year when i was dropped by my ex...... they are really really explicit so i cant post them.... the write is amazing even tho the rhyme was forced Mel so this is me but what do you care about that???? |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
The rhyming shouldnt be so forced, but you have the right idea. I'm sorry that this happened. I know how it feels.  It hurts, but just remember, there are other fish in the sea. Even if it doesnt seem like it at the moment! lol I liked it overall. I hope to hear more.~kissa~ **~kissa~** |
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kissa~rachelle Senior Member
since 2003-11-27
Posts 988nowhere special |
Oh, and the line about ~The old you used to screw~ It just takes away from the poem. But otherwise it was decent for a first write. ~Vampire Kisses  I want a relationship i can finally sink my teeth into.~ Alexander Sterling |
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silhouetted Senior Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 537New Zealand |
yes rhyme kind of forced, but still i liked it sorry if this was inappropriate to the feel of the poem, but i laughed out loud at You left me alone Hanging like a phone you know me, and hopefully u will forgive  hehe legend soph LOR put your frustrations into four letter words - incubus |
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WinterWren Senior Member
since 2002-12-01
Posts 1044...Coming to |
Not bad for a first attempt at ryhming. I agree with kissa about that one line though. This one was my favorite, "You gave into her charms With me craving for your warm arms" Keep up the good work! WinterWren- |
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