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peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

0 posted 2004-01-25 09:28 PM

I haven't posted here in awhile, so I figured I would put this one up. I didn't even edit this one, so please leave some comments and tell me what ya think!
I'd dug myself a hole,
An abyss of nothing but pain,
I gained the strength to pick up the shovel,
It seemed unbearable to get out,
My attempts almost failed,
Just when I thought it I was going to give up,
I regained my strength,
It took far longer than it should have,
With more than half way out of this hole,
The pain is barely even existant,
I climb over the edges and peek out,
Now I finally see the light.

Walking away from what I never wanted to know,
The liberation of my life.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

1 posted 2004-01-26 08:15 AM

The 'hole' metaphor...great way to go. And you pulled it off beautifully. I really liked this poem, Jess. Keep them coming! LOL.

Love ya!

~J.Lynn

*¤§¤*You are born helpless...and you die helpless...*¤§¤*

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2004-01-26 09:54 AM

i thought it was ok. the "hole" thing is a good start, but you didn't have enough imagery or strong emotion to make this that powerful.ummm...maybe you could throw in rhyming to smooth it out? i dont know. it was ok though. good job.
-alex

now im alone, but not lonely like before

kissa~rachelle
Senior Member

since 2003-11-27

Posts 988
nowhere special

3 posted 2004-01-26 04:57 PM

I like this. It was different, and the "hole" thing was kool, i liked it. Hope to hear more.
~kissa~

**~kissa~**
*I wanna be a little more like me, and a little less like YOU!*~ Linkin Park

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

4 posted 2004-01-27 08:43 AM

Jess, I liked this, there's one part here I have a comment on though -
"I gained the strength to pick up the shovel,
It seemed unbearable to get out"

I think it would sound better if you said "It seemed impossible to get out" or something like that, cuz Unbearable..idk..it just didn't sound right...lol that's just a comment though. Good work.

"Pain is just weakness escaping the body."

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