My First Poem - pipTalk Forums

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skacore_carries_on
New Member

since 2003-12-16

Posts 2

0 posted 2003-12-16 09:57 PM

I've tried a few times before, but they didn't turn out so well. I'd love to be criticized.

Walking through the halls
No one here but me
All the other kids are around
But they just seem so empty
I realize I’m out of the circle
That’s no big surprise
Time goes by so slow
When will this day pass me by?
Night covers my room
No one to talk to
All that’s left is to lay in bed
Re-running the day through my head
Taller than trees
They stand in front of me
Waiting for the answer
For what, I cannot see
I express my pain
But they leave me alone
Keeping their hands clean
Leaving me with a dial tone
The only thing I have is fear
But all I need is love
A knowing smile
A compassionate hug
Bones so weak
Their whispered names hurt
I can’t help it
Feeling like dirt

yankees01rugby
Junior Member

since 2003-08-13

Posts 48
USA

1 posted 2003-12-16 10:10 PM

i like this alot! for your first poem, its really good. i know i have felt that way a time or two! ill be looking for more of your work.

Love is like quicksand, the deeper you fall the harder it is to get out

SEA

Moderator

Member Seraphic

since 2000-01-18

Posts 22676
with you

2 posted 2003-12-16 11:03 PM

Welcome!

Please check your email for a special greeting!

skyshine

Member Elite

since 2002-02-07

Posts 3058
Beneath the northern stars

3 posted 2003-12-17 12:47 PM

Hey! I liked this--I think you have talent so please keep it up! Welcome to Passions. It was nice to meet you!

~sky

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone...
~Jewel

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

4 posted 2003-12-17 01:08 AM

Ska- WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is a very good write. I know you will enjoy your stay with us.

We are all equal but we’re individually different
and able to reach the impossible if we try.

broken627
Member

since 2003-11-26

Posts 66
Eugene Oregon

5 posted 2003-12-17 06:03 PM

Welcome to passions with that being your first poem and being so good im eager to read more!
-*-Broken627-*-
~Love is like a puzzle when the pieces dont fit you have to move on~

Match
Member

since 2002-07-01

Posts 286
Canada Edmonton

6 posted 2003-12-17 10:11 PM

W-E-L-C-O-M-E
now that my greetings done..I liked your poem and for your first post it was great.

-ash

I know you think that I shouldnt still love you
I'll tell you that
But if I didn't say it
Well, I'd still have felt it
Where's the sense in tha

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

7 posted 2003-12-17 11:30 PM

Hello and welcome to pip! Very good first post. As far as critiqueing goes all I would have to say on that front is that the end stops very abruptly, maybe work on the flow of the ending. Other than that very well done, clear vibrant emotions and a nice flow.
~Live and Laugh~

Because of you I laugh a little harder, smile a little more, and cry a little less
~Bella~

Olive_8
Junior Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 41
Canada

8 posted 2003-12-18 05:58 PM

I thought that your poem was ok for the first one that you have written, but i think that in some spots if your poem, some lines were forced and it didn't flow too well, it doesn't have much rhythm, there were good rhyming words, but not good for flow.....

**There is no such thing as a promise!!**

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

9 posted 2003-12-18 11:46 PM

well,
nice expression, you definately are great with words. this was simple, but deep with feeling. keep writing and you will naturally improve.
welcome.
and I could relate to what you are saying through this poem. I too feel like an outcast at times.
I think most "poets" do.
~Lex

Snickers123
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 94
United States-Iowa

10 posted 2004-05-11 09:16 PM

Hey, awesome poem! i liked it alot! keep writing you have talent!

~*.:Leah:.*~

sweet_cute_palestinian04
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 418
Earth

11 posted 2004-05-11 11:13 PM

wow gr888 keep it upp

I will do anything ,not to hurt you, who ever hurts you ,is my enemy until i die...

I DONT AGREE WITH LOVE ever in my life.But dont ask me why..

Censored
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 86

12 posted 2004-05-11 11:22 PM

WELCOME!!!

Their whispered names hurt
I can’t help it
Feeling like dirt

Enjoyed

Rommance_Touch
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 97

13 posted 2004-05-12 05:06 AM

!!!Welcome!!!

Those words touched

But they leave me alone
Keeping their hands clean
Leaving me with a dial tone
The only thing I have is fear
But all I need is love
A knowing smile
A compassionate hug
Bones so weak

~~~Rommance_Touch~~~
~~Not_Ended~~
~~G_W_5~~

Nan

Administrator

Member Seraphic

since 1999-05-20

Posts 21191
Cape Cod Massachusetts USA

14 posted 2004-05-12 06:53 AM

If this is your "first" poem, sco, we're in for a treat. Welcome to Passions. It's a great place where you'll meet lots of others who share your interests and will support you in your writing...

Don_Juan
Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 252
Far from where I am going

15 posted 2004-05-12 07:32 AM

Welcome to Passions. Hey this was a very good poem. Keep up the good stuff and

nice use of muffin

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

16 posted 2004-05-12 08:34 AM

it wasn't bad, but not good either. it was pretty straight forward. if you'r writing to get feelings out then it was good, but if you want something beautiful, something that will stick in someone's head, you've gotta make it chock full of imagery, metaphors, and emotion to draw people in and study it. like i said before, not bad.

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

17 posted 2004-05-12 06:52 PM

Nice poem... WELCOME TO PASSIONS!!!

~Alli~

Spine Grinder
Senior Member

since 2000-10-28

Posts 1127
Standing In Silence...

18 posted 2004-05-13 04:30 PM

Welcome to Passions. For your first post, this was great. This was my favorite part -
"Night covers my room
No one to talk to
All that’s left is to lay in bed
Re-running the day through my head"

Well done.

It's been awhile,since I've seen the way, the candles light your face. It's been a while, but I can still remember just the way you taste! ~StainD

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

19 posted 2004-05-14 02:39 AM

this was a great poem...
dont pay that much attention to young blood he just doesnt really like poetry that doesnt have much imagery in it.... all i have to say is great to have a new poet in here and just be yourself, keep up the writing and stay true to yourself!!

Mel

so this is me but what do you care about that????
i am who i am. no one can change that but me, even then it will be a fight to the death

ESP
Member Elite

since 2000-01-25

Posts 2556
Floating gently on a cloud....

20 posted 2004-05-14 07:54 AM

Welcome to Piptalk, I hope you enjoy it

~Liz

"Time has told me not to ask for more, one day our ocean will find its shore" ~Nick Drake

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

21 posted 2004-05-14 01:00 PM

Welcome to Passions! Great poem>!! Loved iT!

-Fleur-

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