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aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

0 posted 2003-10-01 05:33 AM

a long story short.... me and my ex.

you slowly strolled into my life
and only stayed a while
when you finally decided to leave
you took my smile away from me

you said so many things to me
and always acted cool
i thought at last
ive found my man
you knew you had found your fool

i wish you had told me
that you hadnt meant too stay
then maybe you'd have dealt
the cards in a game that i could play

theres just one more thing i ask
please bear with me just a moment more
im returning all the tears you gave me
and taking back my smile.

magic_612
Member

since 2003-07-31

Posts 190
NB, Canada

1 posted 2003-10-01 07:12 AM

good job, I especially like these lines:

"then maybe you'd have dealt
the cards in a game that i could play"

good choice of words..

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2003-10-01 01:28 PM

hmmm.....hmmm.....it was alright. pretty good. i dunno...i guess some of it just didnt impact me at all. sorry...keep posting though i wanna read more!!

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

3 posted 2003-10-01 02:08 PM

i liked the topic and you described it well. there was a little wavering in the format but over all it was good. keep wrighting

Silent Evincar
Member

since 2003-07-22

Posts 179
Here There and Places Between

4 posted 2003-10-02 02:08 AM

Compliments huh?? Teenage girl eh?? Well how about this, aside from it being very touching emotionally.... nice job hanging in there. Take your smile and tears back, I love how that ends. I picture someone packing up there things and not looking back. Thats just me though, just some guy.

NJS

Kandi
Member

since 2000-06-14

Posts 354
North of Hell

5 posted 2003-10-02 04:13 PM

Ya know...the basic idea of this poem - the whole "My boy/girlfriend left me and I'm hurting" theme - gets done a lot. Because people think it's an easy theme to write about. Amd they're right. It's so easy that all they have to do is rearrange the rhyme scheme a little and pass it off as a new, original poem. It's overdone and annoying.
BUT (and that's a HUGE "but") you've managed
to use that theme and make it completely unique and fresh sounding. There were a lot of clever, well-thought lines in here, and you finished the poem strong. I loved this.
Thank you VERY much for a breath of fresh air.
-Kristin

Just wanna be funny,looks like the joke's on me.
So call me Captain Backfire.

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

6 posted 2003-10-03 12:42 PM

i remember a huge dog and the scar on my hand. the last sentence has nothing to do with you, im sorry. good good write.

Ringo

Member Elite

since 2003-02-20

Posts 3684
Saluting with misty eyes

7 posted 2003-10-03 11:45 PM

This is much better. Keep up the great work, and your talent will fully blossom.

We are all equal but we’re individually different
and able to reach the impossible if we try.

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

8 posted 2006-02-11 12:26 PM

I came way way back and i hope you don't mind! But just thought i would say that i liked this it was so so great

x0x0
Free_Spirit07

XxnoraxX
Member

since 2006-01-24

Posts 122
<3 MA,,,USA <3

9 posted 2006-02-11 11:55 AM

WOW!!! great poem and all those metophors in there made the whole poem fun- thanks

XoXo,
XxnoraxX

No ones perfect;just perfect for each other-<3

aussie teen
Member

since 2003-09-27

Posts 396
Australia

10 posted 2006-02-13 07:01 AM

thanks for replying everyone... i honestly dont remember posting this its been around for so long... thanks for reading and giving me your thoughts...
Ruth

Free_Spirit07
Member

since 2006-01-29

Posts 222
The middle of my mind!

11 posted 2006-02-14 01:30 AM

Its okay

x0x0
Free_Spirit07

fear and tears....STOP rounda bout here!

byski
Member

since 2006-01-26

Posts 235
Alberta, Canada

12 posted 2006-02-17 04:29 PM

Really nice ending and i love the line about dealing the cards in a game that she can play. Sometimes it can seem really hopeless like that, no way of winning. Something I can relate to.

latteaddict213

Senior Member

since 2006-02-17

Posts 523
Colorado

13 posted 2006-02-18 12:24 PM

great metaphores

ShelbyLynn13
Member

since 2006-02-15

Posts 73
US, Colorodo

14 posted 2006-02-18 01:08 AM

wow you are a realy awesome writer keep up the good work!!

every one is special in their own way!!!

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