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Teen Poetry #7
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thinking
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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thinking |
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poise_and_rationality Junior Member
since 2006-05-06
Posts 46my mind |
this probally aint good one i was tired one night so i wrote it i thought i would share...... lying on my bed thinking, is my life sinking? feelings for you just wont do you say your attached can't she just be dispatched? i cant pretend you drive me around the bend I told you everything Opened up and let you in You made me feel alright with all the times you held me tight Now all that's left of me Is what I pretend to be So together, but so broken up inside I'm barely hangin' on without you my life's not worth going on Give me attention Give me envy Give me malice Give me a break! Have some composure And where is your posture? [This message has been edited by poise_and_rationality (06-07-2006 12:05 PM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 Dani - All Rights Reserved | |||
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bekahlekah45 Senior Member
since 2006-03-14
Posts 533 |
isnt part of that a song? |
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poise_and_rationality Junior Member
since 2006-05-06
Posts 46my mind |
no not that i am aware |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Okay, well, I enjoyed reading the whole thing, and I thought about it a lot before I decided to post on this one. The reason being is I feel like it needs more polish, I believe it could be an awesome poem if you just sat down and fixed some of the minor things. Maybe even add stanzas to it, yeah, I’m a stanza person. I think the stanzas might help separate your thoughts. Because in the poem it is kind of broken up to different emotions, the part where it starts with “I can’t pretend you drive me round the bend” I feel like you need to put a stanza there… small stuff like that, nothing major. Although on that part I think it should be “around”, I don’t know though, it could work both ways. I did like where it starts with “I’m barely hangin’ on” and down. I can relate well to that, it’s how I feel at times. So, I’m sorry I was being so negative in my comments, and I hope to read more by you soon @-->--- |
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poise_and_rationality Junior Member
since 2006-05-06
Posts 46my mind |
wow thanx stargal i aprecciate both comment and critique other wise we would never know how improve....if you catch my drift? lol anyways thanx for replies... par x Give me attention |
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