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| Teen Poetry #7 |
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look at us... |
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curiouse Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277england |
I turn to you whenever I’m hurting, You turn to me whenever you’re hurting. I turn to you whenever I have no one to talk to, You turn to me whenever you have no one to talk to. I turn to you when I’m happy, You turn to me when you’re happy. I turn to you whenever I need anything, You turn to me whenever you need anything. You want me to be happy, Want me to be alive, Want me to live my life the way I want it. And don’t want anyone hurting me. Yet you never ask anything in return All you want is for me to stay here with you And i am not going anywhere We just want the best for each other We can make it. Were going to live like no ones lived before. Were going to dace, Were going to play, Were going to talk, Were going to be like no one’s ever been before. We are going to travel the world Turn heads were ever we go Because, We keep hold on to one another, And we let go of each other at the same time. Because we love each other. i'm looking for you...always... [This message has been edited by curiouse (04-07-2006 04:27 AM).] |
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| © Copyright 2006 whatever you want it to be - All Rights Reserved | |||
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curiouse Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277england |
hey guys, i would appreciate some feed back, thankyou. curiouse |
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the_hoodANDsheild Junior Member
since 2006-03-08
Posts 25Canada |
Overall i think its alright. I really think the first stanza is neat and different, i enjoyed it a lot. |
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aliway Member
since 2006-03-05
Posts 185With in your eyes |
I agree with the_hoodANDsheild except the part about being alright, it was lovely *leah |
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the_hoodANDsheild Junior Member
since 2006-03-08
Posts 25Canada |
I am sorry in no way did i mean that i didnt like your poem. Just poor word choice in my previous post. |
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curiouse Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277england |
oh no i appreciate your comments. you see that is something i have to work on. i do have to work on a few parts. i wrote this in a rush but that is no excuse. o.k so now i'm babbling. thankyou for your comments, curiouse i'm looking for you...always... |
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latteaddict213
since 2006-02-17
Posts 523Colorado |
i think it could have been organized differently but thats just me. its a very fine piece of work it could just be a little smoother. Jessica |
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stargal Senior Member
since 2006-03-06
Posts 1352OR USA |
Hi Curiouse, No offence but I think that this isn’t one of your best poems, out of all of them that I have seen so far. The first stanza was kind of dull? Dare I say that word? I think that it repeated itself a little to much. The second stanza I thought was really good except for the last line, “and don’t want anyone hurting me”, I feel like it lost a little bit of flow there. The third stanza is really cute, it has nice flow, great words, it is just beautiful to me. The fourth was good too, just I like the third one better. Also you have a few spellings errors that you might want to fix. So, even though I feel very negative giving you all these bad comments, it is not because I don’t like your style, cause I do like a lot of your poems, it’s just that this one doesn’t really stand out to me as much as the others. And like Jessica said, it could have been a little smoother. Stargal P.S. I love the third stanza, I really do! @-->--- |
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curiouse Member
since 2006-03-21
Posts 277england |
thankyou for your comments no it's not one of my best thanx jessica thanx stargal amiles, me |
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cherrys_rule Member
since 2006-03-18
Posts 442 |
i agree with satrgal, You didn't really have any ryming at all. I like the thought of you just writing, cuz we need more writers in the world. But there was no ryming and that's what i like the best in poems. but that's just me. you don't have to listen to what i have to say. |
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Sweetpali08 Junior Member
since 2006-05-07
Posts 40 |
I liked it so much. There were some things that needed to be changed but other than that. It was wonderfully done. Thanks for sharing "How are they the VICTIMS if they are the OCCUPIERS?!" |
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