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Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

0 posted 2005-07-11 05:33 PM

Hidden danger waiting
something slowly fading
reassurance resting
ever contemplating.
Stranger in the mirror
hatred growing clearer
fragile fragments cracking
as her face comes nearer.
Eyes of frozen lightening
familiar power frightening
around the razor's handle
her fingers slowly tightening.
Then suddenly a change
-something very strange-
a grin of knowing laughter
eyes dancing with derange.
No more is she afraid
for she commands the blade
shards of glass start falling
the reflection quickly fades.
Then it clings and clatters
as the razor shatters
and she comes to realize
herself as all that matters.

-Alicia Morris
7-7-05

Not great, I know. Just something I wrote to occupy my mind.

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

Local Parasite

Member Elite

since 2001-11-05

Posts 2527
Transylconia, Winnipeg

1 posted 2005-07-11 09:59 PM

It's formally good... the flow is steady, a bit interrupted in places (namely, the lines where you added unstressed syllables towards the beginning), but the feminine rhyme carries well.

I like the use of paradox in these lines:

a grin of knowing laughter
eyes dancing with derange.

Grins do not laugh, and eyes do not dance---but the implication is that you're seeing something that isn't there.  It's creative, and very interesting.

I disagree with your moralizing at the end.  The whole poem has a kind of subjectivity about it, but when you say "realize," you are implying that there was some true message she was seeking all along, that we were expected to know... I don't think you should use the word "realize."

"All that matters" is lame, too... you could have done so much more with this ending if you spoke to her being removed from locking eyes with her reflection, with being focused on everything but herself as all that matters?  Heh...

On the other hand, maybe I'm the one that is moralizing.

Take care

Brian

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

2 posted 2005-07-12 12:01 PM

Thanks, old friend. Good to have your guidance once again. When I was in the process of writing, I never really intended for this one to go anywhere. But I think that with some work, I could make it a pretty good piece. It's worth the effort.

Alicia

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

SEA