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Teen Poetry #7
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O art thou far or near?
| Teen Poetry #7 |
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O art thou far or near? |
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RedStoneEB Senior Member
since 2003-06-08
Posts 772uk 
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O art thou far or near? Listen in thy mind! That hymn i sing in mornings rise, And Noon, Till evening chores, Voice trailing on a common wind- O art thou far or near? Thy beauty is none of mine, An garden of delicate tendered- Wild Flowers, Blushed with touch I wonder lost overwelmed, Weary of the lovers curse- Like the waterfalls be Beautiful! Danger nears the edge. O slave like i, What are thine duties? I've seen thee in Forbidden Courts, Picking plucking Flowers, Whispering low- My eyes should not be upon women Within my hand i hold my life Or the falling of my head; Both seemingly meaningless- Without thee in my thoughts First-love hath poisoned my sense! Veil'd part of thee hides thy features, Eyes locked on mine she knows i'm here! But doth not rise alarm yet nears- How statue-like you seem to stand Thy wonderous gaze upon a man, Native to thine eye must seem- a thought that stays in mind pestering like a child to be noticed, Till the bells take thee away- Freedom broken by the chimes i'll wait for love to dwell another day. O! News travel's fast upon sore tongues, I hear thou art parting sold away, Tears do not come! Yet i weep- Delayed is the heartbeat Giving moments to recollect my thoughts; Thou art leaving only in form, A slave in love! what dreams of thy- Await my open eye'd thoughts A man out of love always goes to war. I watch thee leave out of forced punishment, Stood on the wall no wider than one foot, O stay if only thou could i long to marry thee- If only a slave could take an hand in marriage But taken away i wave the breaking of my heart, Out to sea thou art my message in a bottle- Sailing not towards but away from my reach 'tis not hereafter my thoughts return to none. The sounded alarm i longed to hear before, Bushes against my sight as the ship sinks, Damn! My own destorying what i come to love- Thou art dead in form but not in heart As i wipe a real tear i swear revenge for thee, My own shall die as thou hath died- Below the waves vast and wide As i whisper O art thou far or near? |
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| © Copyright 2005 Lee Hepworth - All Rights Reserved | |||
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young_blood Senior Member
since 2003-09-19
Posts 1115Indianapolis, IN |
there were a lot of grammitical errors that made this really difficult to read. it sounded like you were trying to use old language, but were limited by it. use it as a tool, don't let yourself be limited. overall it wasn't a bad effort. the ideas and concepts were better than most around here. -alex |
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CrAzI_bAbI_cHiKa Member
since 2003-07-16
Posts 248 |
i did like this, but i actually agree with young_blood. You need to edit, there were a lot of grammatical errors in this poem. However, i liked the use of (as Young_blood put it) old language, i thought it made it flow nicely. it worked. just check out the grammar, and you're cool, good job _keryn I cant believe how long i waited |
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MGROVES
since 2004-02-01
Posts 3802california |
beautiful the heart and soul does not see errors there what was felt was felt no matter how spelled or said or written was heard and felt so communication was met My spirit will rise |
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youcan'tseeme Member
since 2004-01-30
Posts 88 |
oh romance |
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LeeJ Member Patricius
since 2003-06-19
Posts 13296 |
oh my goodness, this was extremely good, the flow, the energy the imagry...very much enjoyed! |
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