My First song - Looking for honest feedback

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ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

0 posted 2005-01-16 08:16 PM

Title - Set me Free or Cause I...Haven't decided yet....

Never thought, I
I would be...

Given the chance to change
I could never stray
Right is wrong and wrong is right
I have flown away

Cause I...
Never thought, I
I would be
Choose me now, and
Set me free

Return the dead to the Earth
Spirits pure and true
Sacrifice you're life for birth
I will hide from you

I will hide from you...

Cause I...
Never thought, I
I would be
Choose me now, and
Set me Free

Given the chance to change
I could never stray
Right is wrong and wrong is right
I have flown away

I have flown away

Cause I...
Never thought, I
I would be
Choose me now, and
Set me free

Choose me now, and
Set me free....

Set me free

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

1 posted 2005-01-16 10:43 PM

This is so awesome! I love the chorus. The first song I wrote wasn't nearly as good as this. Personally I like Cause I... as a title.
This is going in my library.

If I could fall asleep tonight
you know I’d dream of you
and wake up wondering
why my heart is so cold
~WinterWren~

young_blood
Senior Member

since 2003-09-19

Posts 1115
Indianapolis, IN

2 posted 2005-01-18 11:24 AM

hmmm....it's alright. the thing that bothers me is that it doesn't really go together at all. the first parts are totally different in their point from the other parts. oh well.

Riley

Senior Member

since 2002-07-18

Posts 1038
in the pouring rain

3 posted 2005-01-19 09:50 PM

i like the title cause.....just because its different.

great song..
<33
ri

no matter what i'll always love you
i swear

I_dont_know_me
Junior Member

since 2003-12-08

Posts 48
UK, Cymru

4 posted 2005-01-20 06:22 AM

i very muhc like it, especially the chorus..

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

5 posted 2005-01-21 11:27 PM

You know a song is good when it speaks to you, and when you can hear it already as a song.

Personally, too many line breaks. Makes the lyrics choppy sounding, but you're the one who wrote it. In any case, awesome work.

OtherSideOfTheMirror
Member

since 2002-12-19

Posts 245

6 posted 2005-01-23 12:20 PM

You can count on honest feedback from me. Always.

But for some reason I can't really find anything to critique about this. As a song, the music to it matters as much as the lyrics, if not more. I do suggest that you shorten up some of those lines in the middle if you have a rythm that is catering to the shorter lines, otherwise it may sound awkward. Other than that, I like it. I could hear it in my head, and I think you should title it "Set Me Free". You have done an acceptable job of freeing this from the cliche that usually engulfs songs about such matters.

-othersideofthemirror.

ShadyMakaveli
Member

since 2002-08-21

Posts 128

7 posted 2005-01-28 09:25 PM

Thank you all for the responses...i realize that it may seem a bit choppy but i think there's 2 reasons for that, 1) It's my first attempt at this, lol. 2) You guys can't read it and hear it like I hear it in my head, so yeah but i appreciate the honesty and the feedback

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