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peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

0 posted 2003-10-30 03:56 PM

To me...this poem seems kinda like I'm just talking in a few parts. Soo...I figured I'd post it and get some suggestions! PLEASE reply, it's really important to me...*
Now that I’ve finally found my closure,
Maybe...just maybe...
I can move on.

Days with you are long past,
Still with my lonely soul,
Lingering for a little longer,
Soon to finally move on to a future,
A future filled with happiness,
No more tears of aching pain,
No more fears of not being with you again.

Now that I’ve found my closure,
Maybe...just maybe...
I can move on.

I still dream of what could have been,
But then again...
There is nothing more I could have done,
I tried my hardest,
Yet, not making it obvious,
I didn’t let myself cling to the what if,
For this was just another phase in my life,
One deep sorrowful chapter has passed,
Soon life and happiness will surround me.

Now that I’ve found my closure,
Maybe...just maybe...
I can move on.

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

[This message has been edited by peachesNcream (10-30-2003 04:25 PM).]

-=Kiff=-
Junior Member

since 2003-10-21

Posts 16
North wales UK

1 posted 2003-10-30 06:02 PM

Nice,

"No more tears of aching pain,
No more fears of not being with you again"
I like that alot.

He who seeks peace must first prepare for war.

WinterWren
Senior Member

since 2002-12-01

Posts 1044
...Coming to

2 posted 2003-10-30 06:04 PM

I really like this one. It's soft and sad. I especially like the line "I still dream of what could have been." I find myself doing that alot.
Thanks for sharing.

W.W.
We were meant to live for so much more have we lost ourselves?
Maybe redemption has stories to tell maybe forgiveness is right where you fell.

dertah
Senior Member

since 2003-06-18

Posts 584

3 posted 2003-10-30 06:38 PM

beautiful......*sniffle sniffle*

garysgirl

Member Laureate

since 2002-09-29

Posts 19237
Florida, USA

4 posted 2003-10-30 09:37 PM

I like the way you wrote this poem. It's sad, but also positive. Thanks for sharing with us.

Hugs

Ethel

Deep_Inside
Member

since 2002-02-14

Posts 377
i can't stop hiding

5 posted 2003-10-30 10:22 PM

this had grate expression and i like to see poems that have some closure
i hope you can move on best wishes
good write and keep writing

when you live you begin to die
when you die memories of you life lives in others
when memories of you begin to fade
you truly begin to die

Olive_8
Junior Member

since 2003-09-20

Posts 41
Canada

6 posted 2003-10-31 01:03 AM

One word: AWESOME!!

drummerboy678
Member

since 2003-10-28

Posts 134

7 posted 2003-10-31 01:38 AM

Peaches -
First off, I really like it. I hope you (and other people here) don't think that when I write a lot of comments/suggestions, it means it's bad or I don't like it.

I think this poem would be so much better if you did one thing. A lot of this is made up cliches, partly because everyone goes through a break-up at one point in their life, and everyone feels the same way. Try to take out one of the cliches you used (moving on, dreaming of what could have been, etc.), and replace it with the same general feeling, but saying it in a different way. Please tell me if this isnt' clear, but try to create a phrase that sums up how you feel, but hasn't been used before. I know this isn't easy, but I think it would make this poem dramatically better.

I'm not sure if this poem is something that you want to keep working on and change, or if it is one of those things where you just write it at the time to help cope, and probably wont get back to.

Either way, it is a good poem.
Nice job

(And as a side note, no matter how much it seems like you wont, you will get over it)

peachesNcream
Senior Member

since 2001-08-21

Posts 513
Ocean Of Tears

8 posted 2003-10-31 07:51 AM

Thanks for the comments, guys! I honestly appreaciate them!!!

As for my last comment...I think I understand what ya mean, but I'm not sure. Don't worry, I don't take if offensely...I like the criticism, it helps! If you read this...just give me an example of what ya mean. Thanks bunches! ~Jess

"Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go." -Herman Hesse

*Belabebeautiful*

Senior Member

since 2003-01-03

Posts 696
washington, USA

9 posted 2003-10-31 09:46 PM

Sigh..I always enjoy your work. It always manages to strike some sort of chord inside me whether it be good bad happy or sad..heh I rhymed..wow I need sleep! Anyways I really like the way that while this is a sad poem it still has a positive undertone. I find that a lot of post break up poems do a lot of whining and it annoys me(even when I do it in my own writing. This one showed your saddness and you occasional lonelyness also with the message that now you think you'll make it through and that is always a good note to end on, Nicely done as always.
~Live and Laugh~

The problem with resisting temptation is you never know if you'll get the chance again
~Bella~

BabieDoll
Member

since 2003-02-13

Posts 268
BFE

10 posted 2003-11-03 12:00 PM

Oooooooo I like, I like, I LOVE! This poem was absolutely fabulous Jess! I know where you're coming from and yes, it will be alright in time. I'm glad you're finally seeing the light and letting it show you that there is more out there...and someone else to make you even happier! This was great Jess...not a thing was out of place...

~J.Lynn

**To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.**

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