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Teen Poetry #7

blake's poem

StarryEyed3
Member

since 2005-06-26

Posts 58
bostonia

0 posted 2005-10-12 12:35 PM

ok everyone... i really need your help/feedback on this one. this is the first poem i wrote FOR someone, and he is going to see it soon, so please let me know if it is terrible or decent... thanks everyone at piptalk- you guys are amazing.

my imperfect dreams
wrestly with thoughts of you
and i can't help but think of
all our lost time

we watch the stars
barely visible and solely unbruised,
as my heart bleeds like rain
and we grab onto the
only thing we know
*each other*
so warm and gentle like
mittens at midnight

they say distance makes the
heart grow fonder,
and suddenly i know
i have so much to learn.
you watch my eastbound plane
melt into the clouds,
but your scent lingers
on my pillow,
slowly pulling my soul away.

"and i'll sit and wonder of every love that could have been
if i'd only thought of something charming to say..." -death cab

Savage Quiescence
Member

since 2002-07-29

Posts 326
Wandering

1 posted 2005-10-27 11:49 PM

The last stanza was by far the strongest. I really liked it.

In the second stanza, I would move "like" to the same line as "mittens at midnight."

I don't think the beginning was as eye-catching as it could have been.

Good write. Thanks for sharing.

www.livejournal.com/users/alimakins

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