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xno4everx
Junior Member

since 2004-04-08

Posts 14
NY

0 posted 2004-04-14 10:47 PM

The effect you have on me, you have to realize...
Giving me an addiction with just your eyes
The endearing words that you whisper
your gentle touch makes me shiver.
You send sensations down my spine
breathe me a kiss, let your lips caress mine.
Our love is forever, youre the one who keeps me whole.
Look in my eyes, youre the one who sees into my soul.

//..Two souls with but a single thought, two hearts that beat as one..\\

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

1 posted 2004-04-15 06:26 PM

loved it...

~Alli~

infinite disaster
Member

since 2003-06-01

Posts 69
Illinois

2 posted 2004-04-26 05:19 PM

awesome poem ... keep up the good work.

much love, akie

When I find the courage, I will embrace you. When I find the strength, I will erase you.

Censored
Member

since 2004-04-11

Posts 86

3 posted 2004-04-28 09:39 PM

That actually brought a tear to my eye. Very nice.

DancinQueen

Senior Member

since 2000-07-29

Posts 1092
Kokomo,IN,USA

4 posted 2004-04-29 03:11 AM

This is one of those poems that makes you want to change your mind about giving up on love. well done

**You can't always trust the people you want to**

blackandwhitehorizon
Member

since 2003-05-05

Posts 183
an akward state of mind

5 posted 2004-04-29 08:56 PM

nicely written

Snickers123
Member

since 2004-05-07

Posts 94
United States-Iowa

6 posted 2004-05-07 11:22 PM

I liked it alot

! nice job

Stepharoo
Member

since 2004-05-04

Posts 149
Washington, USA

7 posted 2004-05-07 11:26 PM

Wow that was one of the best I have read on here! well done!
Awesome!
keep it up!

chasing rain
Senior Member

since 2001-05-15

Posts 737
Canada

8 posted 2004-05-07 11:32 PM

xno4everx--

I really liked how you emphasized the eyes as "the window to the soul" here. Maybe in the future, you could play it up more? I think it would really enhance this piece, as it has potential already.

Just a small correction on the use of "addiction" here:

"Giving me an addiction with just your eyes"

To give someone an addiction doesn't make a lot of sense, since "your eyes" are actually the addiction. The way it is worded is confusing, though I know what you're trying to say. Instead you could word it so that it reads:

"The effect you have on me, you have to realize...
I'm already so addicted to the look within your eyes"

Or something along those lines.

But other than that, I think (as I said before) that this piece has a lot of potential. Play up a bit on "the eyes are the window to the soul". It would really enhance the overall theme of the piece, and the minor fix-up on the syntax/grammar would really make this piece go beyond what it already is.

Good luck on your future writing!

--Leah

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