(no title) critique it please

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Teen Poetry #7

(no title) critique it please

wishing on a star
Junior Member

since 2003-12-03

Posts 19
sleeping in my warm bed =)

0 posted 2004-04-14 08:12 AM

this is my first post in a long time...

late in the night
when the sky is dark
i sleep and i dream
dream of happier days
and things i wish could be
the things i wish were real
will always be just a fantasy
a dream i get stuck on
and wish with all my heart
that it could someday come true

Lexy
Senior Member

since 2003-01-28

Posts 1038
California

1 posted 2004-04-14 10:08 AM

well, it is always hard to write after you haven't in a long time. It seemed a little cliche to me. It could stand to be so much more descriptive
"late in the night" You could talk about the night more, how it feels, looks, explain why that is even important to your poem. "the sky is dark" could definately expound on a lot of these lines. To give this obviously deep issue and a lot more deepth. Right now, it just seems to be cutely skimming the surface.
~Lex

Fleur
Member

since 2004-04-09

Posts 103

2 posted 2004-04-14 11:06 AM

I just think, that the poem is really superficial. I agree with the things you said, Lexy. I ´think you should tell more about your feelings... -Just my opinion..
*Fleur*

*Alli4000*

Member Elite

since 2004-03-21

Posts 3188
The World of Poetry

3 posted 2004-04-14 06:20 PM

I, also, agree with lexy and fleur - you could improve your poem by being a little more descriptive. Other than that - nice job.

~Alli~

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